REMINDERS:

Independence Day - Tue, Jul 4 - 6 days

Parents' Day - Sun, Jul 23 -25
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Traveling by train may bring you into contact with a different class of people, the upper class. It happened to British symphony conductor Thomas Beecham, who was riding in a nonsmoking car when a rich snob lit a cigarette, then said, "I'm sure you won't mind if I smoke." "No, ma'am," Beecham replied, "if you don't mind that I get sick."

As a wealthy matron, the woman was not accustomed to being rebuffed. "I don't think you know who I am," she said, "I am one of the directors' wives."

"Madam," Beecham said, "if you were the director's only wife, I'd still get sick."
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I was talking to recent acquaintance of mine and he paid me a nice compliment.

"I owe you a debt of gratitude," he said.

"How so?"

"I didn't believe in God until I got to know you, Bruce."

"I'm flattered," I said. "Perhaps on Judgment Day we will walk together and be well pleased.
But let me ask you: how could I have affected your faith when I can't recall a single conversation in which we even discussed God?"

"Well, getting to know you I realized there MUST be a God because you're too damn stupid to take care of yourself."
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She married him because he was such a "dominating man"; she divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite"; he divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living"; she divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds him of his mother"; he divorced her because "She's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic"; she divorced him because he was shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was steady and sensible"; he divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party"; she divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party."
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Angel Wisdom

Don't be so busy adding up your troubles that you forget to count your blessings.

The smallest deed done is greater than the best of intentions.

Love is a language that can be heard by the deaf and seen by the blind.

A house is made of wooden beams. A home is made of love and dreams.

To be a good friend open your ears and heart more often than your mouth.

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

~ Unknown
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After spending so much time in Hollywood, Hugh Grant decided to get involved in the local community. Someone suggested he take up baseball, so he joined a local team. During their first game, Grant came out to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did Grant.
"Run!" his teammate yelled. Grant turned and stared at them icily. "There's no need for me to run away." he replied "I'm more than willing to reimburse you chaps for the cost of your ball."
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A man went to a psychiatrist to seek some help for depression. As he entered the reception room he noticed two doors marked "Men" and "Women" He went through the door marked "Men". He then encountered two other doors marked "Extrovert" and "Introvert." He decided that he was an introvert and opened that door.
He found himself in a room with two more doors marked "Those Making $60,000 and Over" and "Those Making Less than $60,000"
He knew that he made less than $60,000 so he opened that door. He found himself outside the building.
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I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was.

I said, "I don't know...re-election to the Senate?"
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Last night my girlfriend was rhapsodizing about her new apartment.

"It's so close to everything," she gushed. "It's even in walking distance to a gas station."

We were both silent for a few seconds, and then she quietly said: "That doesn't make sense, does it?"

I declined to answer.
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I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
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One day when my children were about 10-12 they were playing in the street in front of the house. I told them not to play in the street. The next day they were in the street again. I said, "I told you not to play in the street."

Their reply was, " But, that was yesterday."
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One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
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"Science has found the gene for shyness.
Yeah, they would've found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes."

Jonathan Katz
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REJECTED BENEDICTIONS

"Hasta la vista, Baby."

"Don't let the big door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!"

"You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."

"Goodnight, Cleveland!"

"Thanks and I hope I've passed the audition."

"In five minutes I take another offering."

~ M. Raymond .
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"Al Gore's movie about global warming broke into the top 10 this past week. President Bush has said he probably will not see the film.
Though he says he did go see 'Ice Age 2: The Meltdown'. So he feels he has most of his facts down." --Jay Leno

"You hate Canada? That's like saying I hate toast. It's not the kind of thing that inspires passion in either direction. If anything, you should love Canada. Who else could cripple America with their cheap prescription drugs and talented comedians? --Jon Stewart

"Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president. This past weekend, Al Gore's movie earned more per screen than any film in the country. ... I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history." --Stephen Colbert
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My husband and I were in a heated argument that lasted over two hours, neither of us willing to give in.

Finally, I looked at him and said: "I only have one thing left to say, Lorena Bobbett only got six months!"

He stared at me, thinking for a few seconds, then replied: "Yeah? Well O.J. got off scott free!"
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It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology.
It needs no wires, no batteries. It's user-friendly. Even a child can operate it. Just lift the cover. It can be used anywhere, yet it's powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk. It is called a book.
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One day, finding a wasp had entered the house, a wife shouted to her husband, "There's a wasp in here. Do we have any spray?" He told her there was a can under the sink.
"Honey," she called. "This is ant and roach spray." "Well," her husband replied, "Don't show him the label."
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An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. She was working late one night, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.

The next day a student came to her after class with his essay she had corrected. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."

The teacher took the paper, and after squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly replied, "It says that you need to write more legibly!"
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"I beg your pardon," said the man returning to his theater seat at the end of the interval, "but did I step on your foot when I left?"

"Yes you did."

"Oh, good, that means I'm in the right row."
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Bill had a disturbing discussion with his wife this morning.

He said that men like Brad Pitt and George Clooney are a dime a dozen.

His wife handed him a nickel and said "Get me six of them."
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What an automated society we live in.


Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?
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The first proof that man has reached Mars will come when he is notified that his suitcases went to Venus.
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Tammy and Doug were playing with their new puppy, and Doug commented that it was strange that an unrelated species would come into their home, love us, play with us, work for us, and we would give them food and love in return.

Without hesitation, Tammy looked at him and said, "I feel the same way about men."
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People have been obsessed with fashion ever since the Garden of Eden, when Eve said to Adam, "You know, that fig leaf you have on is so last-season." ~Dennis Miller~
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Questions To Ask Yourself Before Marrying A
104- Year-Old Woman
* Will I get along with her parents?

* What if the day after we get married I meet a hot 103- year-old?"

* Do I mind that her ex is Orville Wright?

* Does Sunnyvale Retirement Home offer a honeymoon package?

* Would I be better off marrying two
52-year-olds?

* Will this still be a good idea when the tequila wears off?
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Congratulations to Anna Nicole Smith who announced that she is pregnant.

If you would like to get her a gift, she's registered at Bed, Sponge Bath and Beyond.- Jay Leno
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .... and the Computer

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