REMINDERS:

Independence Day - Mon, Jul 04 - 6 days
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JOKES:
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There is a gentlemen's club where the man at reception who cloaks the member's hats, coats, umbrellas, gloves has a reputation for an infallible memory.

In thirty years, he is reputed never to have given the wrong coat, hat, gloves or umbrella to any member when they leave the club.

One day, a member decided to test it out. As he left the club and was handed his coat, he asked the concierge, "How do know this is my coat?"

"I don't, sir," came the reply.

"Well, why did you give it to me?"

"Because, sir, you gave it to me."
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My sister-in-law stopped one evening at a fast-food drive through, placed her order and paid for it. She drove off and only halfway home did she realize she hadn't picked up her food.
She drove back, stopped and explained to the attendant what had happened. He rolled his eyes. "So you're the one who screwed up the last five orders!"
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When I promised to host a neighbor's 90th birthday party, I never imagined I'd need two heads and the arms of an octopus to handle all the details for an event that rapidly escalated from a neighborhood get-together to what seemed like a city-wide celebration.

"I'll be lucky to get through that day," I moaned to the celebrant just two days before the big event.

"At my age," she shot back, "I don't worry about getting through that day, I worry about getting to that day!"
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My employer was giving a course on recognizing period furniture, and I was reviewing my notes while waiting to see my doctor. When he came into the examining room, he asked what I was studying. I gave a brief explanation and, to illustrate what was involved, I asked him, "For example, would you know a Queen Anne leg from that of Louis XIV?" He pondered this for a moment and said: "Louis' leg would have hair on it."
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In preparation for the Fourth of July celebrations, my daughter was teaching her young children some important facts about our country. She sang a few bars of the National Anthem and asked who could name the song.
Her youngest son's hand shot up, and he shouted: "I know. That's the baseball song!"
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A bewildered-looking man walked up to one of our bank's customer- service representatives. "I want to deposit my paycheck, but I'm not sure how to do it," he said. "No problem," said Lisa as she took his check and passbook. There was a flurry of activity for a few moments, and then his passbook was handed back to him. The man looked at his book, noting the deposit and, smiling, said, "That's it?"

"That's it. Just give your paycheck to me, and I'll take care if it."

The man suddenly looked at her curiously.
"Say," he drawled, "are you my wife?"
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Science teacher: Junior, what is a comet?


Junior: It’s a star with a tail.

Science teacher: Very good! Can you name one?

Junior: Sure! Lassie.
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Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
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The easiest job in the world has to be coroner.
You perform surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that can happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. - Dennis Miller
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The boss was anxious to have the staff salesman marry one of his daughters so that he wouldn't go to work for a competitor. The salesman was anxious to marry one of the boss's daughters so that she wouldn't marry a competitor.

"You can marry any one of my three daughters,"
the boss said, pointing to two young ladies seated in the office. "Here are two of them and the other will be along in a minute." The salesman stared. "If you don't mind sir," he replied, "I'll take the one that's coming."
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STUPID AND HEARTLESS THINGS TO SAY IN THE LADIES DRESSING ROOM # That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?

# I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.

# Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a man...

# I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look like Edna Everage.

# Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...

# Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me?
Yes, YOU # Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself.

# Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the 'plain, severe and drab' look in this season?

# Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?

# Hi, I'm from Weight watchers # I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots.

# Excuse me, but since you're obviously color blind would you like any help?

# Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?

# God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?

# I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's really all you...
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer

 

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