TODAY'S JOKES 6-27-03
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REMINDERS
Independence Day Fri, Jul 04 - 7 days
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JOKES:
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Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't grocer and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
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If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
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Hospitality is making your guests feel at home -- even when you wish they were.
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Fellow in Las vegas was winning big at the roulette table.
He told his wife, "Tonite, you sleep with a rich man." Before long though, he had lost everything.
As they left the casino, his wife said, "Am I to go to this rich guy's room, or is he coming to ours?"
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A blonde went into her local hardware store and bought two instant barbeques - the ones with the pictures of succulent foods on the lid.
The next day, she returned one of these to the customer service desk at the store complaining that there was no food inside! The assistant patiently told her that these were just barbecue trays and that the food was not supplied with them.
"Oh dear" said the blonde, "I'd better take the other one out of the freezer then"!
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I was showing my wife the high number of hits on my Web page and some of the "fan" letters I'd received containing compliments.
She took it all in and then said, "Just remember -- the very same people who praised Jesus also crucified Him."
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A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats. Now, the police didn't have anything to go on.
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A man was brought up on charges of bigamy.
The judged looked at the docket and said, "Good God, man! You're charged with marrying six women. How could you do such a thing?"
"Hey, judge, gimme a break," the man replied. "I was only trying to find a good one."
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Doug and Tammy decided to take a vacation and travel across the country and visit little known rural areas, staying in off the beaten track motels.
They stopped their first night at a motel that must have been at least 100 years old, and one that hadn't had any renovations done since day one.
They were preparing themselves for bed and Doug decided to have one last cigarette before getting in to bed, so he left the room to go outside and have his smoke.
When Doug returned to the room, he actually started feeling quite romantic, so he carefully opened the door and said, "Honey? Honey?.
There was no response.
He tried again, "Honey? Hey, honey!" a bit louder this time.
Still no reply.
Finally a male voice from the blackness in front of him said, "This ain't no beehive you damn fool, this here's the bathroom."
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A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.
Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over. Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
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Well it all started when a very rich man found a very young and dirty poor girl on the street on a snowy night. He asked her if she would like a place to stay since he heard that the blizzard would last for a few days. She took him up and his offer and went home with him. When they both arrived the man told her "I'm allowing you to sleep in any room on the west wing.
Just stay away from the east wing, because that's where my son's room is, and i don't want you near him."
She agreed and picked her room.
That night the man woke up to an unfamiliar noise. He rushed into his son's room and found the girl fucking him. the man was furious. He gave her another chance though and escorted her back to her room, again he warned her. The next night, he awoke again and found the same thing. He would have thrown her out, but It was still snowing and so he escorted her back to her room and warned her for the last time. The next night before he went to bed he went to his son's room and poured green glitter in his sons pants. That night he heard some noise, but figured he would catch her in the morning. The next morning he woke up and rushed into her room.
He damanded she pull down her pants.
She did willingly and he found nothing.
He apologized and said he must of been hearing things.
After breakfast the young girl thanks the man for his hospitality and walked out of the house with a green tongue.
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck ......and the Computer
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C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS
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