REMINDERS:

Independence Day - Tue, Jul 4 - 8 days

Parents' Day - Sun, Jul 23 -27
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While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time.

Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and enter. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong.
Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"
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As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses. "I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.

Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."

The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."
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If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed, and color, we would find some other causes for prejudice by noon.
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A woman joined a health spa, and on her first day eagerly joined in an exercise class.
However, when it ended she went to the front desk and requested cancellation of her membership. When asked why, she replied, "Your floors are so low that I cannot touch my toes!"
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It was Friday and Skip and I were headed out to lunch.

"Hey, do you have change for a hundred dollar bill?" I asked as we drove to the restaurant.

"I think I do," he said pulling a wad of bills out of his pocket. "Here," he said handing me five twenties.

"Great, thanks," I said pocketing the money.
"I'll give you the hundred on Monday."
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Cola-Cola was advertised as "good to the last drop" in 1907. The slogan was long forgotten by the time the line was adopted by Maxwell House Coffee.
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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Today an intruder made it on to the front lawn of the White House when President Bush was home. He was apprehended by the secret service. The Secret Service says this is the fourth time the man jumped over the White House fence. We want to build along the entire Mexico border...we can't keep people out of the White House!" --Jay Leno

"CBS has replaced Bob Schiefer with Katie Couric. Bob is gone so I am now the dullest man on CBS." --David Letterman

"Congratulations to Hugh Hefner who turned 80 years old over the weekend. One of his girlfriends told reporters he was like the creepy grandfather she never had. Hugh's at that awkward age. Too young to retire, too old to be dating any of those women." --Jay Leno

"Tonight a new version of 'The Ten Commandments' was shown right here on CBS.
In this updated version Moses parts two cowboys." -- David Letterman

"The scandal of the week for the White House is that Dick Cheney's main man Scooter Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I find that hard to believe, that President Bush is allowed to see classified information." --Bill Maher

"The Senate failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain, while those who have been here between two years and five years would have to leave, but could return as guest workers. And immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees." -- Tina Fey

"President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati's great American ball park. Eighteen Iraqis were killed." --Amy Poehler

"In a speech President Bush accidentally referred to the Senate immigration bill as the Senate energy bill. Afterwards, the president apologized for his mistake and reminded everyone to support our brave troops in Norway." --Conan O'Brien

"Hurricane season is less than two months away. There's no joke here. I just wanted to give FEMA a heads up." --Jay Leno
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I asked God what was in store for me today, like I do every morning. And He said, "Well, not so much that you couldn't turn your alarm off another five times." And I said, "Thank you, Lord; that's what I was thinking."

~Laura Kightlinger~
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Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George should invest only small sums.

But George threw caution to the winds and six months later sent an email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers! Now send me some "retrievers!"
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Hosting the Academy Awards is like being married to Larry King. You know that it's going to be painful, but it will also be over in about three hours. ~David Letterman~
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Q: What famous entertainer had two nicknames as a teenager: "Slacksey" because of his extensive wardrobe of trousers, and "Angels"
because he was such a smart aleck?

A: Frank Sinatra.
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I never had a Barbie doll when I was growing up. I had a Tammy doll. She was like a Brand-X Barbie. You know, the doll that came with her own low self-esteem. ~Cathy Ladman~
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Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking down on events in Iraq.

Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would definitely have conquered India."

Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks."

There is a long pause as the three continue to watch events. Then Napoleon speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I lost the Russia campaign."
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The size of your body is of little account; the size of your brain is of much account; the size of your heart is of the most account of all.
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You start life with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
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When we moved into our new house 15 years ago, the dishwasher wasn't working. My mother would occasionally come over to watch my 2 sons, then 8 & 9. After awhile we replaced the broken dishwasher. The next time my mother came over she had given some snacks to the boys. After they ate, she proceeded to wash the dishes by hand. My 8 year old looked at her and said "Grandma, we have a new dishwasher, we don't need an old one".

To this day my mother still repeats the story.
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Ken Lay of Enron fame is now waiting to be sentenced to prison.

How would you like to go to prison with a name like 'Ken Lay'?

You might as well change your name to 'Ben Dover.'
~ Jay Leno .
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The most perfect political community is one in which the middle class is in control, and outnumbers both of the other classes.
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My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn, and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.

"I will," I said. "it'll make her feel better. She has pneumonia..."

"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison.

One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."

"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger. "Hangnail."
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Jim claims he took his piano lessons through a correspondence course. He must have lost a lot of lessons in the mail.
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A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
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Besides being so dumb, Vernon's also a tightwad and a woman- chaser, so he went to Reno, Nevada because he heard it's a place where women are made free.
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In any organization, Marvin's the outstanding candidate for the Ways To Be MEAN Committee.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer

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