TODAY'S JOKES 6-26-03
***************

REMINDERS

Independence Day Fri, Jul 04 - 8 days
****************
JOKES:
..........
Subject: Makes perfect sense to me...


I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:

1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. We will promise never to "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 day visits unless given a special permit.
No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself. Don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.

5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D"
and it's back home, baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them gets "lost" or is taken by their army. The people who need it most get very little, anyway.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here.
Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) Use the buildings as replacement for the twin towers.

11) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

12) Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.

13) "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Erational Crime News:


A husband and wife team entered a service station, waving guns and threatened to rob the place. The man took the manager at gunpoint into the office where the safe was located, while the woman stayed out front with the assistant manager.
Making small talk during the robbery, the assistant manager told the woman about the great contest the store was sponsoring and said that if she filled out an entry form, she might win a slew of different prizes. The excited woman quickly filled out the form, using her real name, address, and phone number. She then crossed her fingers for good luck and handed the form to the assistant manager. The couple was quickly arrested.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.

"I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow, "so, naturally, I drive a white Vette."

As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."

Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two.

"Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House:

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can...
many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one.

6. Keep it simple: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on"
switch; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Jeff has always been a bit on the forgetful side. His wife always had to tie little ribbons around his fingers to remind him of things that she wanted him to do that day. The guys at work were always teasing him about it, but Jeff always took the teasing in stride.

One day Jeff had to have a lesion removed from above his ear and he went to the surgeon early in the morning to have the procedure done before work. When the procedure was finished, the doctor bandaged his head with thick white gauze. He then proceeded on to go to work. When he arrived at his office, his co-workers stared at him in awe, and one guy blurted out, "Gee Jeff, whatever your wife wants you to remember today, it must be REALLY important."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were a little boy?"

Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."

Son: "Thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.

As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and, with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
How Much Dirt?
===============

I want to test the mathematical skills of all readers.

Calculate the amount of dirt in the following size hole in cubic feet or cubic yards: 6 ft long x 3 ft wide x
18 inches deep Don't use pencil or paper; calculate it in your head.
This tests raw calculating ability.
Scroll down for the answer...



There is no dirt in a hole.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.

His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need an operation or something?"

Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a public restroom, and I'm taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, 'Hey! Are you Sean Connery?'"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
At the New England Aquarium, ID bands are put on the Penguins wings to tell their sex.

They have to do DNA tests to determine male and female. A band on the left wing and its a male. A band on the right wing and...

Yep, you guessed it.........a female because females are always right.

name-withheld to protect the guilty !
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"There's a double standard, even today. A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions. A woman, you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you're a tramp." - Joan Rivers
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories.
--Sam Donaldson If the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote.
--Newt Gingrich What's wrong with extending my probe?
The president did the same thing.
--Kenneth Starr The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury.
--Monica Lewinsky Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster?
--Marv Albert The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern.
--O.J. Simpson If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she didn't have sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done.
--Vernon Jordan The president should take up skiing.
--Al Gore If you're looking for me this week, I'll be in the bunker.
--Saddam Hussein Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked.
--George Stephanopoulos In last week's Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and win one for the zipper.
--Madeleine 'Aunt Bea' Albright
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.
You have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling.
During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?"

After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast.

At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.

He said he actually felt worse.

"Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about 15 minutes!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it."

The guy next to him looks over and says, "No Shit, can you make me one too?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
There are some who feel it is inappropriate to make fun of the holy institution of marriage.

Then there are others who know it's the only way we can live with it.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady came in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now.
Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room
6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
President Bush was in the Middle East this past week to promote his Middle East peace plan. I don't think Bush quite gets it. Like today he said, "Everything would work out in the Middle East if the Palestinians and the Israelis would just start acting like good Christians."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Former President Bush - it's his birthday today, 79 years old.
It's got to be tough for George W to find a present for his dad. I mean, how do you top giving him Iraq?"
-Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton had a book signing at Barnes and Noble and
12,000 people showed up. She signed so many copies of the book that she had a blister on her right hand. It was so bad that the next night she had to slap Bill with her left [hand]. Doctors told Hillary to soak it in warm water, bandage it and rest it for a week. Oh wait, no, that's what they told Bill."
-David Letterman Of the women who tried on-line dating, going out with someone they met on the Internet, 61% said it was a good experience. The other 39% are still missing. - Jay Leno
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
It rained and rained and rained... so much that a ditch by Rastus's house was full and over flowing its banks. His Mother was in the kitchen washing dishes.

Rastus found an old inner tube, put it around his waist, jumped into the ditch full of water and was having fun. His mama saw him from the window and screamed out, "Rastus, You'se betta git out o' 'dere this minute. You'se was brung into this here world on a bad rubber and I's refuses to let you go out of this world on a bad one."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A young man confided to his mother that he had proposed to his girlfriend and they were going to get married.

"Whatsa dis?" screamed Mother. "Who's a-gonna love you like a Momma? Who's a gonna starch-a you socks? Who's a gonna make-a you lasagna?"

"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Why are you talking like that? We aren't even Italian!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Monica Lewinsky hosts the new Fox dating program Mr. Personality.
Bill Clinton's favorite intern says, "What you really need is chemistry and communication for something to work." She added that it doesn't hurt if your nickname in high school was "Hoover." (Patrick M. Rhody)
*******************
That's the jokes for today...
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .....and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...

http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm

The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom

Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com

95 %, The highest Network Payout in the history of MLM. $95 out of $100!
$50.00 fast start bonus on every sale you make, including the first one!
Check: it out at:
http://www.goupp.com/power95/ch795

"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7 Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:

http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053

Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html