TODAY'S JOKES 6-25-03
***************REMINDERS
Independence Day Fri, Jul 04 - 9 days
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JOKES:
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WHAT SIZE CONDOM?
A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?"
She says "Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know" he replies.
"Well, just let me check" the cashier says.
She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE.
EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"
He says "Well, I don't know."
She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE.
LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?"
"Yep" she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know" he says.
She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over the intercom, "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE.
CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3."
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CARLIN
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What's another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do:
'practice'?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
~George Carlin
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It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural," she said."Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."
The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"
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WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT
My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done.
Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that.
"Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!"
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The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.
The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.
By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Reggie -- you might at least stop while I'm talking!"
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Ransacked
One of my Dad's retired friends spends nine months a year in Wisconsin and goes to Florida for the winter. One year, while he was in Florida, he got a call from the police. His neighbor in Wisconsin, who had a key, had entered his home to check that everything was okay with the house. The house was a shambles and he called the police to report a burglary. The police officer reported: "The house appears to have been ransacked."
My Dad's friend immediately bought a plane ticket and flew 1000 miles home to discover that the house looked exactly the way it always looks.
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Bill was taking a flight to New York. He boards the plane, finds his seat and settles in, but does not fasten his seatbelt. The flight attendant comes down the aisle and see Bill's unfastened seatbelt and says, "Sir, you need to fasten your seatbelt for takeoff."
Macho Bill says, "Not necessary to do that, Superman doesn't need a seatbelt."
"Superman," the flight attendant said, "doesn't need an airplane either."
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While working as a radiologic technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.
"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.
"He fell out of a tree," I reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.
"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Asplundh Tree Experts."
Gazing intently at the X rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'experts.'"
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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
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One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself. To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!"
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Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it.
"I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."
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"Teenaged boys already know everything.
When a boy reaches 13 years of age, the Knowledge Fairy comes around and inserts into his brain all the information in the entire universe. From that point on, he no longer needs any parental guidance. All he needs is parental money."
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Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
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A man wakes up screaming one day, picks up the phone and calls his wife who knew he was constipated the day before. When she picks up the phone he gripes, "That god damn laxative said guaranteed to work by 8 a.m.!"
His wife asks, "Well did it work?"
"Yes!" he screams. "But I didn't wake up until 10 a.m.!"
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A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of a December night in Brooklyn, and the police arrived just in time to collar the burglar, Morris Spiegel, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim- looking judge.
"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
"What's an accomplice?" replied Morris.
"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can get honest and reliable help these days?"
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In the 1950s, when General Motors announced coincidentally on the eve of Yom Kippur, that it was recalling 72,000 Cadillacs, comedian Jack Benny commented, "I have never seen so many Jews walking to synagogue in my life."
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A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"
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And Furthermore.....
A wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and wrote the merchant a threatening letter. He received the following reply:
"Dear Sir: What do you mean by writing me a letter like that?
Every month I place all my bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to pay on my accounts. Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don't like my way of doing business, I won't even put your bills in the hat."
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Overheard in a restaurant:
SHE: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
HE: Are you describing the wine or your mother?
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I Love Him But...
* He fails to understand why I get upset when he fills the bathtub to check an inner tube for a leak....
* He gives out the phone number to innumerable business acquaintances - then when the phone rings, tells me to say he's not home....
* He refuses to go visit my family because the big game is on - then falls asleep!
* He swears he gave me the registration papers to the truck then finds them in his tackle box a week later.
Apology? Not in this life time!
* He 'Channel surfs' - right in the middle of something I'm trying to write down.
* He reads e-mail over my shoulder but never has anything in response to the questions about what he is doing, his health, etc.
* He tells me my new outfit is OK - then gripes to anyone who will listen that it cost way to much and doesn't do a thing for me.
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Jack walks into the bar and observes a man sitting naked at the counter. Being very direct, Jack walks over to the man and asks:
"Are you crazy man...?"
Turning around on the stool he utters, "Nah man, just naked..."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .....and the Computer
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