TODAY'S JOKES 6-24-03
***************REMINDERS
Independence Day Fri, Jul 04 - 10 days
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JOKES:
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Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up. "Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Brad. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"
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A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and care- fully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. She dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
"Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" she exclaimed.
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
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Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
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Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
1) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
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A psychiatrist received the following card from a patient who was vacationing in Las Vegas. "Having a wonderful time.
Wish you were here to tell me why."
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Q. What did they call Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. "Your mother ate us out of house and home."
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
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Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
They're attracted to me by what I don't mind.
- Gypsy Rose Lee
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The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at
15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.
"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.
"We burn it," was the reply.
"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.
"Certainly not!" said the clerk. "This card is official government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it is destroyed."
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"I've been running boats on this river for so long I know where every sandbar is," the steamboat captain boasted.
Just then the boat ran aground.
"There," he said. "That's one of them now."
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The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and piss oil."
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All Desirable things in life are either ILLEGAL, BANNED, FATTENING, OR MARRIED TO OTHERS.
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Bill says he is the conservative type who thinks women look better dressed modestly in long skirts and loose blouses. I almost believed him until one Saturday when we drove into town and came across a group of local students running a carwash as a fundraiser. Young women were everywhere in their bikinis, waving signs and washing cars. It was quite a sight and I said to Bill, "Look at those girls in their skimpy bikinis."
Casting an eye over at the carwash, Bill didn't say anything. A moment later, a smile came over Bill's face, and he said with a gleam in his eye, "I love summer."
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While walking down a dimly lit street, a man was approached by a stranger coming out of the shadows.
"Please, sir," said the stranger, "would you be so kind as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and out of work? All I have in the world is this gun."
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Eat your spinach and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.
You'll also end up with a girlfriend that looks like Olive Oyl.
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Hillary Clinton told Time magazine that she sympathizes with Martha Stewart because they're friends. Apparently, Martha used to come by the Oval Office once a week to try to get the stains out.
- Jay Leno
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Happy birthday to former First Lady Barbara Bush, who turned seventy-seven this week. Unfortunately, when her granddaughters helped blow out the candles on her cake, it exploded.
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I work at a funeral home...One day this woman comes in and wants us to exhume her mothers body to get the jewelry she was buried in thirty years ago...seems they are worth a lot now...and the three kids were fighting over them so they buried them on their mother...Unknown to the other two kids of the woman...their sister got a court order to have the grave opened...We went to the grave and had the diggers come...One was the owners son...was his first time at exhuming...They started digging and got to the coffin...and it was a two lid...the middle started caving in...and this giant earthworm was at the opening...the owners kid screams..."She is coming out to get me!"...He uses the shovel as a pole vault and jumps out of the grave ...running down the hill...He is still screaming...my boss...looks at me and I knew what she meant...No laughing...We got in the van afterwards...she drives to the bottom of the hill...and she pulls over... She looked at me and I looked at her and we both burst out laughing.
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Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter Margaret and her husband Dave broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. Margaret went inside to get seats while Dave bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.
Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda.
The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, Dave then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. Dave sheepishly headed back to the lobby. When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"
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On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure.
"You know honey," she said, "I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married."
"Yeah ?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV. "I wish to hell I could."
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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
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Mornin', my little Prom Dress,
Spud was showing off her prom dress to yours truly the other day. "What do you think, dad?"
I said, "Either it's cut too low or you're not in it far enough."
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Golf Balls
Two men were playing golf together for the very first time. The first player teed off and hit the ball into a clump of trees. He finally got onto the fairway, only to hit the ball into a water hazard. The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a fence onto a busy street. The second player said, "Maybe you should use an old ball for this shot."
The first player replied, "I don't have any old golf balls."
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ONLY A WOMAN WOULD UNDERSTAND THIS LOGIC
A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly
out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart.
He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you
please unzip my fly?"
The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the
stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it
must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he
complies, unzipping the first man's pants.
Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second
guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked. Finally,
the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis
back in his pants.
"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his
fingers.
"I think my nails are dry now."
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ONLY A WOMAN WOULD UNDERSTAND THIS LOGIC A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart.
He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"
The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.
Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked. Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants.
"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers.
"I think my nails are dry now."
What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, starts with a C and ends with a T?
A coconut!
(Okay, so who's got the dirty minds? :)~)
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer
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