REMINDERS:

Independence Day - Tue, Jul 4 - 11 days

Parents' Day - Sun, Jul 23 -30
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He said to his caddie, "I bet there are thousands of people who are a lot worse at golf than I am."

The caddie said " Sure, but they don't play."
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One time a guy pulled a knife on me...I could tell it wasn't a professional job; it had butter on it. ~Rodney Dangerfield~
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First Actor: What's the matter with the leading lady?

Second Actor: She only got nine bouquets of flowers tonight.

First Actor: Good heavens! Isn't that enough?

Second Actor: Nope, she paid for ten.
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Taxpayer: I always pay my income taxes all at once.

Tax collector: But you are allowed to pay them in quarterly installments.

Taxpayer: I know it, but my heart can't stand it four times a year.
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Do you realize that if it wasn't for Christmas we would never get to know our wife's sizes?
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"TRAFFIC LAUGHS"


Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.

Traffic is always heavy in both directions.
There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.

You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.

It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.

The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.
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Yeah, you're so poor, you can't even pay attention. ~Damon Wayans~
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The Indian said "How do I love thee? Without reservation."
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Two men were shooting the breeze when one said his wife was driving him to drink.

"You're lucky," the other replied. "Mine makes me walk."
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While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife.

~ Clueless Iraqi radio announcer, Baghdad Betty, trying to demoralize our Gulf War troops.
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You know when, like, you're little, your dad, you think he's Superman. Then you grow up and you realize he's just a regular guy who wears a cape. ~Dave Attell~
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," a Justice Department spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".
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"Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. ... One very dramatic scene in the Al Gore global warming movie is when a glacier melts and they find more Al Gore ballots from the election." - David Letterman
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Madonna and I are close friends. But we're very different. She sleeps with her trainer; I ignore mine. ~Rose O'Donnell~
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For horror fans, Wes Craven will produce and direct "Martha Stewart: Living Dead." Martha Stewart will be played by a look- alike she makes herself from some compost, potpourri, and homegrown basil. ~Richard Belzer~
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How about this breakup line? "I love you, but we can't be together." I say, "So I guess when you hate me, you'll call me and we can be a couple again."
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Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out:

"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

"There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

"Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up:

"You're 84 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?"

The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, “Because we were at your birthday party yesterday.”
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One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.

"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello.
Remember me? You were my third grade teacher."
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The golf pro wants me to keep my head down so I can't see him laughing.

He had to get a new caddie on the ninth hole.
He sent the first one back to the clubhouse for laughing too loudly.

New book: How to Line Up Your Fifth Putt.

Last time he was out on the links he shot a birdie, an eagle, a moose and a Mason.
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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
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That's the jokes for today AND this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck ......... and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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