REMINDERS:

Independence Day - Mon, Jul 04 - 11 days
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JOKES:
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Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old boy whose next-door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked him later what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy replied, "Nothing. I just helped him cry."
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They were on their way to the hospital where their 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride, they talked about how the procedure would be performed.

"Dad," she asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

"That's easy," he said. "They're going to give you a phone."
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"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make- up mirror to see what time it was."

Unknown
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The Discovery Channel had a fascinating show on the mating habits of hyenas. They said that the male hyena often will get angry at the female hyena while they are having sex. It doesn't help that the female hyena is laughing at you all the time.
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There are a lot of self-help tapes out there. I Got one called "How to Handle Disappointment." I got it home and the box was empty.
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Marriage is like a tango. . . it takes two, and occasionally one has to bend over backward to keep the dance going. ~Unknown
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Q. Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?

A. The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.
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Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's now at that age where she doesn't remember. So I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a good flight. Good-bye!"
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WONDER for YOUR WEEK: I drive with my hands on the wheel at the 10:00 and 2:00 positions. Now that we're in Daylight Savings Time, should I be using the 11 and 3 positions?
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Playboy is laying off 8 percent of the workforce.
That would be the guy who writes the articles.
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A redneck boy came home from class and his redneck father asked, "What did you learn in algebra class today, son?"

"Well, I learned Pi R Square," replied the boy.

"Now, hold on there son," he quickly replied, "you may think I am stupid, but everybody knows that pie are round."
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About fifty or so years ago we fought the Koreans and then the Vietnamese. About ten years ago, we fought in Kuwait. In the last couple years we were in Afghanistan and then fought in Baghad. And now we're talking about going back to Korea. My question to our government: Don't we know any white people you want us to beat up?
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Single Word Puns

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

3. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

4. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

5. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

6. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

7. PARADOX: Two physicians.

8. PHARMACIST: a helper on the farm.

9. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

10. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
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DUMB FLORIDA LAWS - STILL ON THE BOOKS!!!!

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

It is illegal to skateboard without a license.

You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M.
on Thursdays.

It is considered an offense to shower naked.

You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.

You may not kiss your wife's breasts.

Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.

It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.
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"So they say Viagra is making some men experience total vision loss. Doctors aren't sure how to cure their blindness, but at least these guys have a built-in walking stick."

Jake Novak
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"Today President Bush met with Palestinian President Abbas. There was one embarrassing moment when he said to Abbas, 'I loved your song, Dancing Queen.'" --Jay Leno "I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away."
--Stephen Fry
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WORD OF THE DAY - Clue-by-four

DEFINITION: The no-holds-barred statement used to clue-in a still- oblivious individual about something obvious.

"After more subtle hints failed, I finally dropped a clue-by-four that his salmon-colored pants were quickly becoming the fashion joke around the office."
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Caring for floppy disks

ORIGAMI Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself.
How can your disk get damaged if you can't even get it out of the drive?

SMOKE Use cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.

PIRANHAS If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen.
This wonderful method of "caring" for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.

MAGNETS They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.

MAIL Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that's all.

MAGIC TOUCH Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmalade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.

DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE Archive them without their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.

DON'T MAKE BACKUPS Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.

SUPREME STUPIDITY It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you'll find new methods to add.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!!!
Chuck ........ and the Computer

 

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