TODAY'S JOKES 6-23-03
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REMINDERS

Independence Day Fri, Jul 04 - 11 days
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JOKES:
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A man walks into the doctor's office with 2 black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.

Naturally the doctor asks why, and the man begins his story.

"Well, my wife and I went out for a quiet day of golf on Father's Day. She teed off and we watched her ball head straight into a pasture of cows. We walk over to look for it. As I looked around I saw something white on the rear end of a cow, I walk over and sure enough, there's my wife's ball stuck right in the middle of the cows butt.

So I lift up the tail, and scream to my wife, hey this looks like yours!
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The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months"
on the board and then she said, "Johnny, how should I correct that?"

Johnny replied, "Maybe get a new boyfriend?"
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"The Senate has proposed and passed the tax cut for marriage. Married people apparently had been paying more in taxes, and Republicans feel that marriage is a penalty in itself."

- Bill Maher
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to
30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red- handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT

(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Bill Maurer)
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Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat &drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Herb Ehlers)
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Little Billy came home from his first day of school and said, "Mommy, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers and sisters who will be coming to my school." "That's nice of her to take such an interest in your family, dear. What did she say when you told her that you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"
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A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden his fishing license. "Well, son,"
said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the kid, "but my friend back there, he don't have one."
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Catherine, an RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one.

Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read:
"Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
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A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man."
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A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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My grandfather had a stroke a few years ago, and since then he hasn't been able to speak much.
Hospitalized after a recent heart attack, he was visited by his speech therapist.

As if talking to a child, she said, "All right, I'm going to put three items in different places in the room, and I want you to tell me where I put them."

My grandfather answered, "The pen is on the table, the book is on the bed and the glass is on the nightstand."

"Very good!" said the therapist in the same patronizing tone. "I'll be back to see you again in two days."

As she reached the door, my grandfather added, "And your keys are on the window ledge."
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A nickel goes a long way nowdays. You can carry one for days before you find anything it will buy.
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My family always gives me a golf shirt as a gift. I was especially delighted with the one I received on my birthday a couple of years ago. The care instruction label read:

"Part cotton, part other stuff. When dirty, wash it."
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Knowing that my fiance's mother is an avid bird-watcher, I planned an intimate get-to-know-you picnic for the three of us at Dream Canyon in Colorado. I'd heard a rumor that nude sunbathers sometimes frequented the place, but having been there twice and never seen one, I tagged the location as safe.

Fifteen minutes into our picnic, our idyllic spot was overrun with nude men. Aghast, we ate quickly, and then I ushered my future mother-in-law toward the exit. On our way out, I spotted a native bird in a tree and said, "Look, Mom, it's a Colorado downy woodpecker."

She replied, "Well, we've seen a lot of native Colorado peckers today, haven't we?"
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Many hotel rooms have a copy of the Gideon Bible as a comfort to travellers and it was natural for the evangelist to reach for it and thumb through a few pages before going downstairs for a nightcap before retiring.

He soon engaged the barmaid in conversation and was still chatting her up at closing time when she even agreed to come to his room where, after another drink, they adjourned to the bed.

"Should we be doing this?" she giggled as she undressed. "after all, you are a man of the cloth."

"I assure you it is alright. It is written in the Bible," he said. The woman replied, "Show me the passage where it says that."

The evangelist picked up the Bible and turned to the fly-leaf to show her the handwritten note: "The barmaid downstairs is a certainty."
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In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful computer error messages with Haiku poetry messages. They're used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 13 actual error messages from Japan:

1. The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist.

2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

4. Windows crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

8. A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone.

9. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.

10. You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here.

11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

12. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.

13. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind.
Both are blank.
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Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Jack Handey
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I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars.

I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous.
However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically.

I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look. Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave.

When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head.
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The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible.
He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them,"
she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before,"
he swore.

"Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
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A man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
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Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe.

Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?"

Pierre replied "Woman, I'm leaving you!"

Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our marriage?"

Pierre replied "To hell with the marriage.
Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.

Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?"

Pierre replied "To hell with the cabin.
Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.

Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?"

Pierre replied "To hell with the children.
Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.

Then Marie hikes up her skirt, points to her crotch and hollers, "But Pierre, what about this?"

As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, "Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman."
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Nina: The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought online are working.

Rosey: Wow, I thought those were a scam.

Nina: Nope, they work. Since taking them, he is now a bigger dick than he was a few months ago.
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Have you heard about the amazing new discovery?
It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who have splitting headaches.
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Tarzan and Jane were expecting their fourth child and were pretty strapped for cash, so Tarzan decided to go into the used-crocodile business.

Monday morning he got up early, shaved, put on his best loin cloth, swung down to the river, and spent the whole day fighting, haggling over and hassling with cranky crocs.

As dusk fell, a wan Tarzan swung back to the treehouse and demanded, "Quick, Jane, a martini!"

Tossing it back he barked, "Another, Jane, on the double!"

Gulping it down, he held out his glass again. "One more, Jane."

"Aw, honey, don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?" she chided gently.

"You don't understand, Jane... it's a jungle out there."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer

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