REMINDERS:

Independence Day - Mon, Jul 04 - 12 days
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JOKES:
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Our landing on the moon was a big success.
The moon was uninhabited, thus saving us millions in foreign aid.
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An executive came home and slumped into his favorite chair. His wife asked him what was wrong. "You know those aptitude tests we're giving at the office? Well, I took one today and it's a good thing I own the company!"
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Stumpy received a bill from the hospital for his recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. He called his office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" he asked when he got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

"Well," said Stumpy, "That's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
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What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
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It's good to be back in New York, but the crime situation has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane the pilot was putting The Club on the steering wheel.
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A fellow walks into a bank and says, "Give me all your money!" The manager says, "Take the books, too: I'm $10,000 short."
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The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
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I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear fighting over a belt? The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love.
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At our house, the litter box reeks because nobody will empty it. There are always fresh stains on the curtains and sofa from territory marking. We get moldy kibble ground into the carpet at every feeding. I can't imagine how it could be worse unless, of course, we had pets.

J. Murphy
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A guy dies and leaves the shortest will ever. It says, "Being of sound mind, I spent my money!"
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I got a piece of mail today, and it said, "This is not a bill." So I opened it up, and inside it said, "That was the envelope. This is the bill."
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You know what I'd like in a presidential candidate? How about someone who wasn't born wealthy? It's about time we had a president who at sometime in their life has said, "Welcome to McDonald. May I take your order, please?"
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During his re-enlistment interview, the first sergeant asked my friend if he'd considered re-upping in the Air Force.

He seethed, "I wouldn't re-enlist if you made me a four-star general, gave me a million dollars, and had Miss America as my roommate!"

On the form, the first sergeant wrote, "Airman is undecided."
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How do you stop a thief? This was the question that vexed my brother- in-law, a rugged Marine.

Every morning he picked up coffee from Starbucks, and every morning that cup of coffee mysteriously disappeared from his desk.
Although he never caught the bandit, he did resolve the matter.

One morning, when all personnel were gathered for a staff meeting, he popped out the partial plate from his mouth and swished it around in his coffee before placing it back into his mouth.

His coffee was never stolen again!
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There are only two kinds of drivers:


Idiots and Maniacs. Idiots include anyone that drives slower than me, and the Maniacs are everyone that drives faster than me.
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Parents have become so convinced that educators know what is best for children that they forget that they themselves are really the experts.
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Jill sighed to Debbie, "I knew I never should have visited that porn site last night."

"Why? What's wrong?" Debbie asked.

Jill cried, "When I turned on my computer this morning, it said, 'You've got blackmail.'"
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Driver's Oath

I, - (state your name) - will obey the rules of the road.

I will not drive like I'm delivering a donated organ.

I will not purposely scare cows.

I will not make light of gravity.

I will recognize speed limits as strict law & not just ballpark suggestions. I will not run up on the butt of the car in front of me simply because I do not want to have to reset my cruise control.
And last but not least, I will not *cruise* in the passing lane for half an hour while there are 20 cars behind me wanting to pass!
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NASA says they now have proof Mars was once drenched by water, which means it could have had life. Of course, water doesn't always mean intelligent life: remember Baywatch?
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"In Connecticut, Glastonbury High awarded Thomas Hennessy his high school diploma at the age of 102.

Way to go, Thomas. In today's world, without a diploma, you've got no future."

Norm MacDonald
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Parallel parking. What better way to do something you're already a little leery about doing than by doing it backward?
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One important thing came out of the Gulf War.
They now have a Playboy channel in Kuwait where women do naughty things like work and vote.
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There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women. This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just go drive in traffic.
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Jill: What's so funny?


Mary: Didn't you hear the conversation between those two guys at the next table?

Jill: No, what was it?

Mary: Well, the one right behind me just told his friend, "I finally put my foot down! I told my wife that either the cat goes or I go! By the way, is it all right if I sleep on your couch tonight?"
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You know, retro seems to be pretty big these days in entertainment.

The number one movie is Star Wars. Friday, The Longest Yard is opening. I saw an ad on TV last night for Herbie The Love Bug.

Did I miss something or are we still living in the
1970s?

What's next?

You'll be telling me that the biggest concert tour of the summer is the Rolling Stones.
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"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid." --P.
J. O'Rourke
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We're getting ready for the Letterman family Memorial Day picnic.

Uncle Earl, God bless him, got a little confused.
Last year he confused his flask with the charcoal starter fluid.

--Dave Letterman
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer
 

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