REMINDERS:

Summer Solstice - Tue, Jun 21 - 0 days

Independence Day - Mon, Jul 04 - 13 days
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JOKES:
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A wealthy man, seventy years old, announced that he was to marry a beautiful girl of twenty.
His friends were surprised and asked him, "How did you get that pretty young girl to agree to marry you? He replied, "I lied about my age. I told her I was ninety!"
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People always say, "He died penniless," as if it's a terrible thing. Sounds like good timing to me.
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What a system! We spend money we don't have for things we don't need in order to impress people we don't like.
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A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you, and were helped by you, will remember you when forget-me-nots are withered. Carve your name on hearts, and not on marble. - Charles H. Spurgeon
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Most men say they read Playboy for the articles. Right, and I go to shopping malls for the music!
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During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people. He interrupted his sermon about halfway through, and announced sternly and very loud: "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said."

That quieted them down.

When the service was over, he went out to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
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According to new medical studies, exposure to secondhand smoke dramatically increases a nonsmoker's risk of getting heart disease and lung cancer. Jubilant tobacco executives say the new study proves without a shadow of a doubt that nonsmoking can kill you.
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A swimming instructor at a Los Angeles university was quizzing a group of students on Red Cross life saving and water safety techniques.

They answered all of her questions easily until she posed this one: "Which article of clothing would you remove last if you fell from a boat or dock fully clothed?"

Everyone mentioned something different. It was evident that no one knew the correct answer, so the instructor helped out. "The blouse," she said, "because the air gets under the blouse and acts like a buoy!"

The subsequent uproar ended the class.
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A parking space is where you leave your car to have all those annoying little dents put into it.
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In Honor of Police Week...To Serve & Protect

When the Lord was creating peace officers, he was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this order?

A peace officer has to be able to run five miles through alleys in the dark, scale walls, enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch, and not wrinkle his uniform.

"He has to be able to sit in an undercover car all day on a stakeout, cover a homicide scene that night, canvass the neighborhood for witnesses, and testify in court the next day.

"He has to be in top physical condition at all times, running on black coffee and half-eaten meals. And he has to have six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... no way."

"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord, "it's the three pairs of eyes an officer has to have."

"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. One pair that sees through a bulge in a pocket before he asks, "May I see what's in there, sir?" (When he already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job.)
"Another pair here in the side of his head for his partners' safety. And another pair of eyes here in front that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and say, 'You'll be all right ma'am', when he knows it isn't so."

"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."

"I can't," said the Lord, "I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound drunk into a patrol car without incident and feed a family of five on a civil service paycheck."

The angel circled the model of the peace officer very slowly, "Can it think?" she asked.

"You bet," said the Lord. "It can tell you the elements of a hundred crimes; recite Miranda warnings in its sleep; detain, investigate, search, and arrest a gang member on the street in less time than it takes five learned judges to debate the legality of the stop... and still it keeps its sense of humor.

This officer also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with crime scenes painted in hell, coax a confession from a child abuser, comfort a murder victim's family, and then read in the daily paper how law enforcement isn't sensitive to the rights of criminal suspects."

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the peace officer. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."

"That's not a leak," said the Lord, "it's a tear."

"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.

"It's for bottled-up emotions, for fallen comrades, for commitment to that funny piece of cloth called the American flag, for justice."

"You're a genius," said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there,"
he said.
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Q: Why doesn't Hannibal Lector eat people that work at Texaco?

A: They give him gas.
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I fear that my keyboard has ants,

And I have to admit there's a chance, That it's due to my eating, While surfing and reading...

I'll stop that, ere they advance!
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........ and the Computer
 

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