REMINDERS:

Summer Solstice - Wed, Jun 21 - 1 days

Independence Day - Tue, Jul 4 - 14 days
*********************
A lawyer was questioning the testimony of a witness to a shooting. "Did you see the shot fired?"

"No sir, I only heard it."

"Stand down, said the judge sharply. "Your testimony is of no value." The witness turned around in the box to leave, and when his back was turned to the judge he laughed loudly and derisively. Irate at this exhibition of contempt, the judge called the witness back to the chair and demanded to know how he dared to laugh at the court.

"Did you see me laugh, Judge?" asked the witness.

"No, but I heard you," retorted the judge.

"That evidence is not satisfactory, Your Honor," said the witness respectfully.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?"
asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Him: There is one word that will make me the happiest man in the world. Will you marry me?

Her: No!

Him: That's the word!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were having trouble with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto the ski lift. Finally, one of the operators stayed at his post operating the tow, while the other, wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed his way to the head of the line. The tow operator promptly called him back, "Hey, where's your lift ticket?"

"I don't need a ticket to ride this tow."

At this, the two operator produced an ax and, with two blows, deftly chopped off the fronts of his partner's skis, just ahead of his toes.

With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement, the operator lowered his ax and turned to the crowd, "Anyone else out there who doesn't have a lift ticket?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The New Year's Eve party had turned into a marathon with numerous guests coming and going. At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily though no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement. He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.

"You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
If one man can wash one pile of dishes in one hour, how many piles of dishes can four men wash in four hours?

None, they'll all sit down together and watch football on TV.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A man had such an abundant garden, he decided to share it. On a bench in front of his barbershop he placed his leftover produce with a sign reading: FREE - HELP YOURSELF. By the end of the day the produce was gone, but he forgot to remove the sign. And the next morning the bench was gone.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government—$40,000."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government—$40,000."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Bush was receiving a business tycoon at the White House. "I don't know what the fuss is about the stock market. If I weren't President, I'd be buying stocks right now."

"I know," said the businessman. "If you weren't President, I'd be buying them, too."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian solders were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed into his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The day after the big game in which Walt had run a hundred-yard touchdown. Coach Benner was analyzing the play. "Walt," he said, "you carried the ball too closely and in the wrong hand. You ran to the inside when you should have run to the outside. You ran ahead of some of your blocks. It was just a lucky run."

Walt said, "How was it for distance, Coach?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The prosecuting attorney approached the witness. "Do you happen to know any of the people you see in the jury box?"

The witness looked them over and thought carefully before replying. "Yes, I know more than half of them."

"Keep in mind the solemn oath you have made before this court," continued the attorney. "Can you swear that you know more than half of them?"

"Why, I most certainly can!" the witness fired back. "In fact, I'll swear I know more than all of them put together!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I'm sure there's no truth to the rumor that a major hotel chain is considering buying the Leaning Tower of Pisa, remodeling and redecorating it and opening it as the "Tiltin' Hilton".
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"What would make 17,000 people want to run
26 miles? All I could figure out was maybe there was a Hare Krishna in back of them going, 'Excuse me. Could I talk to you for just a second?'" (Rita Rudner)
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Singers at the Metropolitan Opera were so hard hit by flu, cold, and related germs that the Met's harassed general manager posted backstage a notice of precautions to take. The last item was: "Confine your kissing to the irresistible."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?

A pessimist is a man who's afraid he won't be able to squeeze his car into a very small parking space. An optimist is a woman who thinks he won't try.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes was very fussy about his books. One time in Washington an old volume was lost, and Holmes made an uproar, cussing at his secretary. Mrs. Holmes, who watched the tirade, didn't say a word. But when the Judge came back from court, the book was in its place on the shelf. An American flag stuck out above it, and underneath Mrs. Holmes had hung a sign: "I am a very old man, I have had many troubles, most of which never happened."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A young New Yorker reports that, on embarking for his freshman year in college, he filled out a form stating that he would like very much to room with a foreign student. On arriving on campus he found that, after a computer had studied the various cards, he was assigned to share a room with another New Yorker who had also asked for a foreign-student roommate.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I love those signs along the highway that say, 'Litter Removal Next 2 Miles.' That's when I start chucking my trash out the window." --Scott Wood "The sure way to tell if a man is a bachelor is to check his silverware. If it's chewed up from going through the garbage disposal a few times, he's for real." --Nick Arnette
************************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ...... and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...

http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm

The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom

Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com

"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7 Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:

http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053

Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html