REMINDERS:
Summer Solstice - Tue, Jun 21 - 1 days
Independence Day - Mon, Jul 04 - 14 days
**********************
JOKES:
.......
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came
from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
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"On cable TV, they have a weather channel
---twenty-four hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We
called it a window."
Dan Spencer
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I had my car towed. There's nothing wrong with it; that was just cheaper than
buying a tank of gas.
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A Norwegian court has convicted a woman for raping a man, after the victim said
he awoke to find her giving him oral sex.
The woman is being sentenced to 9 months in jail, while the man can look forward
to being beaten senseless by every other man he meets for the rest of his life.
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If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I
want to have children" - they leave skid marks.
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One time when Michigan State was playing UCLA in football, the score was tied at
14 with only seconds to play. Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State's coach, sent in
place-kicker Dave Kaiser who booted a field goal that won the game.
When the kicker returned to the bench, Daugherty said, "Nice going, but you
didn't watch the ball after you kicked it."
"That's right, Coach," Kaiser replied, "I was watching the referee instead to
see how he'd signal it. I forgot my contact lenses, and I couldn't see the goal
posts."
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An Hispanic in Phoenix has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days.
When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says
that since the loss accrued over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the
border and stripped for parts.
The Hispanic was heard to mutter as he left the station... " Damn Canadians."
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*Little Irritations In Life*. . . . .
When you have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic
thingie in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your
ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobdoy gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an
address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it until you
walk across your living room rug.
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes,
drifts and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
Your road map won't re-fold up to the way it was. So, you do the logical thing;
open the glove compartment and STUFF it in. Of course.... this is the day that
the glove compartment door won't stay shut.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out
covered with Kleenex lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing,
whick sets off the horns on at least 20 other cars all around you.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom door knob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just
opening up.
(guess where you end up,)
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you
don't know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're
'just browsing.' Then you spot something that interests you and those same five
are now all 'on break' just when you need a price check.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find the
#^%$&# thing!
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and bang your head on
the way up.
Most of these, of course, will occur on a Monday....
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My little five-year-old cousin watches way too much TV. I asked him what sound a
duck makes, and he said, "AFLAC!"
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Yikes! A mouse scurried across my kitchen. I set out some poison and went to
bed. But I didn't realize I left a half finished cup of yogurt on the counter.
The next morning when I went to toss it away, I noticed that tucked in the
yogurt were two of the poison pellets I'd left out for Mr. Mouse.
I had to smile. It was like he was saying... You first!"
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My boss had his hands full running a funeral parlor and raising two rowdy
preteen boys.
Preparing for a funeral one day, he found the hearse plastered with police
department stickers, courtesy of his sons.
He frantically scraped the stickers off the hearse before his clients could read
what they said:
"Bring Them Back Alive."
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I don't know how anyone could date a porn star.
Because every Friday night you'd have the same argument: "Should we rent a
movie, or make one?"
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A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal.
The engineer says to his fireman, "We're coming to a town, let's stop and send
the porter out to get more coal. It's pretty dark but can you see the name of
the town on the depot sign?"
The fireman replies, "Ah...it appears to be Danzig in the dark."
And the engineer shouts, "Buy coal, Porter!"
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Indian casinos, it was announced Friday, took in eighteen billion dollars last
year. New tribes are coming out of the woodwork.
The Illinois gaming commission just turned down three applications from a tribe
that calls itself the Chicagahoes.
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Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college graduation. After the
dean finished awarding all the diplomas, he requested, "Will all the 'cum laudes'
please stand up?"
My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has
alot of kids!"
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Kids statements that are a little... off track:
* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* Oh Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid
on my knee!
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to
the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
* He carrots for you.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Dust Around the Throne.
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call himnames.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
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In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup, my friend, a
gynecologist, struck up a casual conversation.
After noticing the label on her sandals read "Hecho en Mexico," he asked his
patient, "So when were you in Mexico?"
Flabbergasted, the patient asked, "You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?"
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A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being
issued to honor two great American patriots.
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan
Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied,
"Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."
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What makes a man a man?
1. OPENING JARS - she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's
work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes
you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle
is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the
man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love.
No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you
thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish noisy
destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and
downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the
door, saying, "Let's go"
and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're
hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn
on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt." "Nah."
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just
whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,
sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share
the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but
someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line"...
11. USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle.
Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks,
I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
12. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're
popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub
doesn't know that.
13. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant.
Pass the pork scratchings.
14. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes
and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
15. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
16. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with
mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then,
we'll make do with the aisles.
17. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later
but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is
peeling notes off the roll later.
18. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to
the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
19. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that?
No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the
worlds best driver.
20. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
21. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a
fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage."
22. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad,
bint?"
23. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm
going in there for a huge, long man-sized ****
24. CALLING YOUR MATE A **** - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's
way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital
***********************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........ and the Computer
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