TODAY'S JOKES 6-20-03
***************REMINDERS
Summer Solstice Sat, Jun 21 - 1 days
Independence Day Fri, Jul 04 - 14 days
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JOKES:
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The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls ... luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
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A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am.
Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered...
take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
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The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland. One day, he was walking down the High street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald" he said sternly, "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs.
Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs.
Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The Pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this Pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
The landlord nodded and said, "oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Mario Borsellino)
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WHY WE DRINK BEER......
Well, you see, Its like this. A herd of Buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, It is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, The human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cell. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that my friend, That is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Mario Borsellino)
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The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." ~Author Unknown~
"The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and I call him Dad!"
~Author Unknown~
"A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be." ~Author Unknown~
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During a jury selection process, the first lawyer began his questioning as an intimidating showman.
He looked over the prospective jurors and asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge said, "I do."
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DAD'S FAVORITE SAYINGS......
Go ask your mother!
Just wait until I get you home!
I love you, son!
I love you, princess!
When I was your age....
My father used to tell me...
I used to walk to school in the snow!
Be home early.
And MY favorite......
That's not a tear, I have something in my eye.
-- Author Unknown
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* A Father is a combination advisor, counselor, policeman and loan officer provided by Mother Nature.
* All Fathers were kids once themselves.
In fact, most of the Mothers keep telling them they still are.
* Reflecting Father: "If my son is getting half as much out of college as the college is getting out of me, he'll be a success."
* Father's Day was both a joy and a worry as my kids were growing up. I was always afraid they were going to give me a present that I couldn't afford.
* With divorce and remarriage so common these days, pity the poor kids. Most of them know what to buy for Father's Day -- they just don't know which "Father" to give it to.
* I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager. I use
2 computers, 3 ISP's and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers & one weekly one. I watch both the local & network news every evening. And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
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Advice From Sassy Women
Never eat more than you can lift. - Miss Piggy Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it only makes you walk funny. - Kathryn Carpenter Too much of a good thing...can be wonderful. - Mae West Everyone's entitled to my opinion. - Madonna If you don't have anything nice to say about anyone, come sit by me. - Alice Longworth It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.-Mrs. Patrick Campbell I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time. - Marilyn Monroe I think... therefore I'm single. - Liz Winston When faced with a decision always ask "What would be the most fun?" - Peggy Walker I never know how much of what I say is true. - Bette Midler What you eat standing up doesn't count. - Beth Barnes The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win... you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin If you're all wrapped up in yourself, you are overdressed. - Kate Halverson Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance? - Phyllis Diller
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A man took his little boy to the zoo for the very first time.
Each time they would see a new animal the little boy would ask, "What's that?" And each time the father would explain.
When they came to a pen with a very large bird inside the father said, "And that, Timmy, is a Stork."
The boy stood there for a few moments and then began to wave and say, "Hi! I'm Timmy!"
After several times of repeating this he finally turned to his father and exclaimed, "Guess I'm all grown up, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."
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Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.
Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."
The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment...
then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"
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During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Gary's father was horrified. He pinched him into silence, and after church asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... and He just then did!"
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Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.
"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.
Smith waved a bunch of checks at him.
"Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side.
These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."
Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
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Six-year-old Zoe asks her mom, "Can I have a cookie, Mommy?"
"No", says her mom.
Five minutes later, Zoe asks, "Mommy, can I have a cookie now?"
"No, Zoe", she says.
Another five minutes passes and Zoe asks one more time, "Mommy, can I have a cookie?"
By now, her mother is getting impatient, and says, "You know, if I were you I wouldn't ask again." And little Zoe pipes, "If you were me, then I'd be you and this wouldn'ta happened."
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Mr. Boudreaux was a typical, uneducated Bayou man. De Census man...he come to de Bayou and he's takin' down all dis infomation. He say to Mr. Boudreaux, "Just fill in this part of de form and I'll be on my way." Mr.
Boudreaux says, "Well, you'll have to come sit by the side of me and fill it out cause I can't read or write." So de Census man..he sit down by the side of Mr.
Boudreaux and he begin askin questions and writin' on de form.
Pretty soon he comes to de end of de form and he say to Mr.
Boudreaux, "Just sign it down der at de bottom." Boudreaux says, "You already know I don't read or write...I can't sign dat form!" So de Census man, he says, "Just make an X." So Boudreaux, he make a great big X at de bottom and a little, itty bitty one right beside of it. The Census man, he says, "what's wiff dat little bitty x next to de big one?
Boudreaux, he says, "I'm a Junior!"
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John had been standing in his dark and dank cellar for well over and hour with his hands gripping a leaky pipe. The water spurted between his fingers. His shoes were getting wetter and wetter.
Suddenly he heard Jill's voice calling down the cellar door.
"Honey, you can take your hands off that leak now!"
"Why," yelled John, "did the plumber finally get here?"
"No," responded Jill, "the house is on fire."
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Joys of Duct Tape
----------------- Need a temporary wedding band? Hey, what the heck, with a product like this, make a permanent wedding band.
Small towns: Easily change your population signs with duct tape and a marker.
Lost in the woods? Not with duct tape around: just hang little strips of tape from branches to find your way back.
Remodeling on a budget? Use duct tape to cover cupboard doors and drawer fronts for a modern, metallic-look kitchen.
Use duct tape to combine burger flipper and a fly swatter for convenient cookout insect control.
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That's the jokes for today and for this week!
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck ......and the Computer
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