REMINDERS:

Summer Solstice - Wed, Jun 21 - 2 days

Independence Day - Tue, Jul 4 - 15 days
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While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.

There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".
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I once owned a beagle, Clarence. Admittedly, Clarence barked a lot. My neighbor, Charlie, often mentioned this fact to me. One cold winter night my wife went outside to investigate the reason why Clarence's barking sounded unusual. On the ice-covered lake near our house she discovered a young man, hurt and in shock after a snowmobile accident. She summoned help and got him inside the house, then called an ambulance. She was told that he could have frozen to death. The young man was Charlie's grandson, Mike. Charlie came over the next day with two thick T-bone steaks and said, "These are for the dog, and it's okay if he barks."

Some years later while I was away camping, my dog died. But everything was taken care of - by Mike. He buried Clarence right at the spot the dog had barked for help that cold winter night, saving Mike's life. (Ron Hendersen)
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My Dad got my Mom a lab puppy for her birthday, and she's been having it sleep with her in their bed.

A day or two after she got it we were all sitting around and my Dad was holding the puppy on his lap. My Mom was talking about the new puppy and she nodded over to my Dad and said, "He was really good in bed last night."

My Dad started grinning as I asked, "Really?
And how was the puppy?"
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According to a recent pool, half of New Yorkers say they would never move out of the city.
Mostly because their probation won't allow it.
~Conan O'Brien~
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Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window.

Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honor.

Judge: Yes, but don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing at the time?
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Early one morning on the lake, two men sat silently in a boat, casting for trout. They kept very still so as not to frighten away the fish.
After a while, one moved his feet just a bit. The other said, "What is it with you? Did you come out here to fish or to dance?"
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While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me.

Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
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A young girl asks her grandmother how old she is.

"I'm sixty-eight," Grandma says.

The young girl's eyes widen, "Wow, you mean starting from one?"
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It was our cat's first winter. When a raging blizzard came up suddenly, we tried frantically to find Cinderella, calling her repeatedly and poking into snowdrifts around the stoop where she liked to hide.

Finally I called the police station to inquire if a "found" cat had been reported. The sergeant listened politely to my complaint, and assured me that cats had been known to live through terrible storms. "Cinderella," I added on a hopeful note, "is exceptionally intelligent. In fact, she almost talks."

"In that case, lady," replied the officer, "hang up. She's probably trying to call you now."
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Do you know the best way for a guy to impress a girl at the gym? Do pull-ups... pull up in a Porche, pull up in a BMW, pull up in a Corvette...
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Do the people that work in these little shops in the airport have any idea what the prices are anywhere else in the world? What do they think, that they've got their own little country out there? "Tuna Sandwich, $13.00. Tuna's very rare here." ~Jerry Seinfeld~
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The season is upon us when we golfers must explain to our wives that we're too tired to dig up the garden, but not too tired to dig up the fairway.
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Nutrisystem... What kind of diet plan is this?
This is where they tell you you have to eat the food they make. They tell you what time of day you have to eat it and you have to eat all of it.
This isn't a diet. This is living with your parents.
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My husband's job as mall manager puts him in daily contact with mischievous and runaway children. So, during the holiday rush when a boisterous two-year-old sped by him in a crowded department store, his arm reached down automatically and fielded the child. He led the tot back to its mother, who, instead of being grateful, gave the manager a look of utter disgust.

"Look, wise guy," she said acidly, "did you have to catch him so fast?"
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"When I played baseball we used a broom handle and a rubber ball. A manhole cover was home plate, a fire hydrant was first base, second base was a lamppost, and Mr. Gitletz who used to bring a kitchen chair down to watch us play was third base. One time I slid into Mr.
Gitletz. He caught the ball and tagged me out."
(George Burns)
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At the law firm where I work, a co-worker and I were alone in the office when she answered an incoming telephone call. The insurance agent asked if our firm would guarantee a signature on a security document. "This is a law office,"
she replied. "We don't guarantee anything here."
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This year I'm trying a new strategy with my lawn. I'm planting the weeds first in hopes that the grass will take over.
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The team had fumbled the ball ten times and dropped a dozen passes. Watching the game, a sub paced the sidelines. Finally he sat down, but he missed the end of the bench and fell to the ground. The coach looked at him and said, "I think you're ready to go in."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her class to write a composition on the story of Samson.
One teenage girl wrote, "Samson wasn't so unusual. The boys I know brag about their strength and wear their hair long too."
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My mother-in-law came to visit last summer and she's such a comic. She gave us a set of towels marked HERS and ITS.
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A Chinese scholar was lecturing to a large audience. When the lights suddenly went out, he asked members of the audience to raise first their right hands over their heads, then their left.

The moment all the left hands went up, the lights went on. "As Oriental scholar says,"
explained the lecturer, "many hands make light work."
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THE CANDY STORY

One of the best things about growing up was the corner candy store. It was your basic neighborhood shop selling candy, papers and of course ice-cream at the small luncheonette counter. The elderly owner let us hang out in the phone booth and read every comic book in the rack as long as we didn't mess up the covers. Each year he'd also give us a full set of Topps baseball cards. But the biggest deal was the rubber balls. He would let me take a couple every now and then, and for special occasions, he'd give me a full dozen in the unopened box. I'd come home with the goods, and all the guys would start whooping it up like I'd found some kind of treasure chest.
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"I am not sure if President Bush fully grasps the economic issue. Like he was asked today if he has any plans to make the dollar stronger?
And he said we were thinking of making it two-ply." --Jay Leno

My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise. It read, "Salary: 23k to start.
401k after 1 yr."

Long, unproductive meetings are often the bane of corporate life. My very funny boss at the software company where I work has come up with what just might be the perfect way to cut business conferences short before they start rambling out of control. There comes a time when he announces, "All those opposed to my plan say, 'I resign.'" End of meeting.
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A private was rushing into the Army PX when he bumped into the Colonel and almost knocked him down.

"Oops," said the private and went on in.

The Colonel stopped him and said, "Hold it soldier, don't you see these two eagles on my shoulder?"

"No," said the private, "and you wouldn't either if you laid off that PX beer."
************************************That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer

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