TODAY'S JOKES 6-19-03
***************

REMINDERS

Summer Solstice Sat, Jun 21 - 2 days

Independence Day Fri, Jul 04 - 15 days
****************
JOKES:
..........
Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband and frowned. "I can't believe it!
All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"

The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."

A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
ACTUAL BUSINESS SIGNS

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

On a fence:
"Salesmen Welcome. Dog food is expensive."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
THE FATHERHOOD CYCLE

4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."

7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."

12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."

14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."

21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date.
What did you expect?"

25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."

30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."

35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."

40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."

50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."

60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My youngest brother, Tony, had just completed basic training and was home on leave prior to his first tour in Germany.

Since I was an Army National Guard pilot and my other brother was my crew chief, we offered to take Tony to catch his transport overseas.

When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I followed with his gear.

As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumfounded stares.

Finally, he realized his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving him a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter--with his captain and sergeant carrying his bags!

[Humor In Uniform, Reader's Digest]
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife.
Then on page two, the trouble starts." - "Jay Leno "
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The pretty blonde cashier at the Giant Grocery Store told her manager she needed some time off to rest-up because she wasn't looking her best.

"Nonsense!" he said, "You look fine!"

"No way!!!" replied the blonde. "The men are beginning to count their change now."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Little Johnny was in pre-school and not doing very well.
The teacher, Miss Crabtree, decided to work with him one on one. Miss Crabtree her tutoring for the day by saying, "If you put your hand in your left pocket and pull out a nickel and then put your other hand in your right pocket and pulled out another nickel, what would you have?"

Johnny thought for a minute and then said, "I would have someone else's pants on".
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Yesterday on CBC radio the Toronto morning show host was interviewing one of the men who was involved in the court case leading to the legalization of same-sex marriages in Ontario. At the end of the interview, after the interviewee announced his intention to get married that afternoon, the host finished up by saying "well congratulations, it's a fairy tale come true."

Much apologizing ensued.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
You're getting old if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"If pussy is not meant to be eaten, then why is it shaped like a taco?"

I thought this was pretty funny so I told it to everyone I talked to. Later that day I was getting ready to go home and I called my wife to see what was for dinner.

"Tacos," she said.

I busted out laughing and told her the joke.
She laughed.

The next day we went through the same routine. "What's for dinner?" I asked.

"The girls and I are having stew," said my wife. "You're having leftovers."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Jill asked Nina to pick her up at the mechanics after she dropped her car off to have some work done on it.

Nina asked, "Is this mechanic any good? I have had such a hard time finding one that I can trust to fix my car."

"Oh yes," said Jill "I was worried too when I first brought my car here that he might try to rip me off, but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
As our plane made it's landing at JFK, the flight attendant began her "welcome and thanks" speech.

"Welcome to New York, where the local time is 6:15. It has been our pleasure to serve you today.
We hope you have enjoyed your flight. We know you have a choice of bankrupt airlines, and we thank you for choosing United."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
You know, there was a time when men dreaded getting old because they knew it would rob them of their sexual power.

But thanks to modern medicine, couples are having sex well into their 70's and 80's, to the point where you can now buy edible panties fortified with calcium.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Mary: You know how your computer keeps your "sent"
messages for a few days so that you can check to see who got what?

Jill: Yeah, what about it?

Mary: I wish I had the same function on my phone so that I'd know whom I called at 3 A.M. when I'm drunk and horny!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Hey guys, has she ever really forgiven you?

Her eyes say, "Maybe," but the lighter fluid in your hair and the match in her hand say, "Not really."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Well, Bill, how are you getting on with trying to date that new cocktail waitress?"

"Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now."

"Really? Is she beginning to smile and bat her eyelashes at you?"

"Not exactly, but last night she set my drink in front of me instead of throwing it in my face."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A wife didn't believe her husband was going fishing and camping every weekend with his male friends. After a terrible argument, he told her, come and go along. She said, no, with a wife along you ole boys will not have any fun or anything as usual. He told her to put her hair up, put on a baseball cap and wear his old boots and his old torn crotch, torn knees, ragged coveralls and his felt, plaid shirt. She agreed. He would call her Ralph, and she would be just one of the boys. The first night all 15 of them were sitting around the campfire, trying to decide on the night's entertainment. One old boy said, "Lets put up a pot and measure Penises, longest wins." A drunk sitting across from "Ralph" with the torn crotch coveralls, said, "I don't know about penises, but I'll bet everything I own that old Ralph has the longest asshole you've ever seen!!"
*********************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD One!!!
Chuck...... and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...

http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm

The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom

Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com

95 %, The highest Network Payout in the history of MLM. $95 out of $100!
$50.00 fast start bonus on every sale you make, including the first one!
Check: it out at:
http://www.goupp.com/power95/ch795

"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7 Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:

http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053

Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html