TODAY'S JOKES 6-18-03
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REMINDERS

Summer Solstice Sat, Jun 21 - 3 days

Independence Day Fri, Jul 04 - 16 days
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JOKES:
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A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?"

She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"

He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."

"Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who did I miss?"
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Sign at a Planned Parenthood center:


"Please use rear entrance."
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Two women were standing in a Victoria's Secrets store when the sales woman noticed that that one woman's breasts were uneven ....puzzled by this, she asked her why.

The one lady says that her husband can't go to sleep without one of her breasts in his mouth.

The sales woman said, "Well, neither can mine and my breasts are both the same size."

The woman then proceeded to tell the sales woman, "yeah but I bet you don't sleep in twin beds."
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Did u hear that tomorrow is National Orgasm Day.
Are you coming?
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"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." -"Jay Leno
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Letters to a pastor

**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely, Pete, Age 9, Phoenix
**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Age 11, Anderson
**Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love, Patty, Age 10, New Haven
**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.
Yours truly, Annette, Age 9, Albany
**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen, Age 8, Chicago
**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen, Age 9, Tacoma
**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor, Age
12, Sarasota
**Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie, Age
10, New York City
**Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9, Athens
**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team.
We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you.
Alexander, Age 10, Raleigh
**Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua, Age 10, South Pasadena
**Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Sincerely, Christopher, Age 9, Titusville
**Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla, Age 10, Salina
**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
**Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely, Marie, Age 9, Lewiston
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Top tips for Everyday Cheapskates (and idiots)

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con.
Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
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Troy, NY. What do you do when you are drunk and want to hear someone talk dirty to you? Ask Harold Reinke. It seems that after a hard night of partying, he called a European 900 sex line that charged $9.95 per minute.

There was only one problem. The inebriated Reinke fell asleep while getting an ear full and woke up hours later, still connected.

The bill? Only $7164.
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What's the difference between secretaries and wives?

Secretaries get a little behind at work; wives get a big behind at home.
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The strict and unsmiling manager noticed that the suggestion box was missing from the wall beside the time clock. He began to ask around to see who knew what had become of it. "You!" he yelled at one of his employees. "Where's the suggestion box?"

"I don't personally know, Sir," the employee responded. "But the office gossip is that it's under your desk, wired, and ticking."
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A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
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The more my boss pretends I'm earning a lot, the more I pretend I'm working hard!
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She married him because he was such a "strong man"
She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party."
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A sad Bassett Hound was telling his troubles to his friend. "I'm depressed. I think negative thoughts. I'm always bored and always tired."
"Why not go see a psychiatrist?"
suggested the friend.
"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm not allowed on the couch."
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Spotted in the Franklin, Mass., COUNTRY GAZETTE:
Unknown item for sale.
We know it's valuable; we don't know what it is.
If you can identify it, we'll sell it for $250.
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Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"
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During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"
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The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized her laugh!"
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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her
100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
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The wrinkled old crone got on the train and, exhausted, retired to her bed, which was the upper berth in a sleeper car.

Shortly after falling asleep, the woman was awakened by loud snoring from the lower berth. She tried wrapping the blankets around her head, but to no avail; finally, she kicked her heels on the mattress. Moments later a mans voice came from below.

"Save your energy lady," he said, "I got a good look at you when you came on board."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD One!!!
Chuck .....and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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