REMINDERS:
Father's Day - Sun, Jun 19 - 2 days
Summer Solstice - Tue, Jun 21 - 4 days
Independence Day - Mon, Jul 04 - 17 days
**********************
JOKES:
.......
Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises to help
strengthen my back.
Once when my wife and I were on a vacation and staying at a motel, as I started
my nightly exercise ritual, something on the floor under the bed caught my eye.
I reached out & grabbed a hold of what turned out to be a card, on which was
printed. . .
Yes, we do clean under here, too!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped in a
backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and fell
down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I
had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child.
My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle
followed by, "Do it again, Daddy!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Television has certainly changed things.
Nowadays you get to see what's happening thousands of miles away, but don't get
to meet the people next door.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse of some National Dog Show event
as I flipped through the channels.
The dog on the screen at the time was a white English sheepdog. It was simply a
mound of fur with four legs. The judge was brushing back the dog's hair so she
could look at the animal's eyes.
The TV announcer was explaining that each dog has to have its eyes checked to
make sure they're t he right shape, color, etc., etc.
Another announcer chimed in with, "Well, plus the judge has to see if the dog
HAS both of its eyes. 'Cuz if you start combing through hair and you only see
ONE eye . . . you're looking at the wrong end of the dog."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I love to work with wood and decided to carve a rocking horse for our unborn
grandchild. As parts of the horse were shaped, my intentions became clear to my
next-door neighbor.
"You must be about to have a grandchild," he called over to me.
"Our first," I replied, beaming.
"I have six," he went on. "After the first three you'll buy something plastic at
a discount store."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I went into this one dress shop that was so exclusive, I didn't know you had to
call ahead.
The saleswoman asked, "Do you have an appointment?" I said, "No. Do the dresses
have something else to do today?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While
visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon
shelf of interesting looking books. So she went inside.
A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most people knock before
entering someone's home."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A girl, who was not quite four years old, was alone in the house when the phone
rang. She answered it and was told that Mr. Brown was calling. "I'm sorry, no
one is here. Can I take a message?" she said.
Mr. Brown replied, "Certainly."
After a pause, Mr. Brown heard, "O.K., I'm ready. Who did you say this is?"
"Mr. Brown."
"How do you spell Brown?"
"B-r-o-w-n."
A long pause, and then, "How do you make a B?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I
dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.
My buddy whispered the correct response to me.
After Gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his
remarks were directed to my friend. "Next time, put your hand behind his neck to
work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a
personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some
identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't buy peat moss." answered the clerk.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
William H. Hinson tells about an amusing article that appeared in his local
paper. Over the past several years in Houston, Texas, there have been a rash of
incidents in which dogs have attacked small children. As a result, the
newspapers have run several stories about the attacks--some of which have been
pretty gruesome. There was one, however, involving a little boy called D.J. that
was not so tragic.
A reporter asked D.J. how he managed to come away from a recent dog attack
unharmed. You can almost picture the serious expression on the little guy's face
as he said, "Well, right in the middle of the attack, the Lord spoke to me."
"Oh, really," asked the reporter, "And what did God say?"
"He said, `Run, D.J., run!'" the young man reported.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A man walks into a pub and, with the most sorry look on his face, pleads to the
bartender; "Look, my wife has left me, I've been fired, I've just been mugged
for all my money, and I'm desperate for a drink. Can you help me out??"
"Of course," said the bartender, "The door is behind you. Do you want to be
pushed or carried?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Like most puppies, mine is not finicky about what he puts in his mouth. He eats
anything.
But the day he swallowed a quarter, I panicked and called the vet.
"What should I do?" I pleaded over the phone.
My extremely laid-back vet answered calmly, "Swallowing a quarter is nothing to
worry about.
But if he does it again and a can of pop shoots out of his rear, give me a
call."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their 50th wedding
anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should
celebrate. Then she comes to a decision.
"Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you
don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will
be perfect for us. It's called 'Bubbeh of the Sea,' an intimate seven-star
luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available.
Let's give it a go."
Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye's decision, but who is he to argue - he
could never win. So he says, "OK dear."
On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the dock in their Bugatti
Veyron 16.4.
Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find
out who they are and invite them to dine at my table tonight."
Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers
the door, the purser says, "Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very
much like you both to dine with him this evening."
Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who is it Faye, is there a problem?"
"This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening,"
replies Faye.
"I told you we shouldn't have come," says Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star,
we have only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the
crew."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My last boyfriend liked to talk a lot during sex.
He said it was because it turned him on, but I think he had ulterior motives
because he always said the same thing: "Wake up, wake up, wake up!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at
the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed.
"Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over
on Harley Street.
It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent."
So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two
guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were
robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my
old one!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
When my family and I lived in South America the grocery store was quite
different. They sold things like cow tongue and kidneys.
One night, my dad took us to the grocery store and sent us each to get a
different item. My dad went to the back with my 6 year-old sister and on their
way they past the meat section and my dad pointed out some of these odd cuts of
meat.
He specifically pointed out the kidneys. Then they left and went to get whatever
item was there's to get.
We all met at the check-out line and while my dad purchased the items my sister
ran to my brother and me and said with wide eyes "Jessie! They sell kids knees
back there!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
+--Bizarre Toilet Facts --+
Sir John Harington invented the toilet for Queen Elizabeth I after she banned
him from her court for circulating smutty stories. So she allowed him to return.
The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.
The idea of separate cubicles for toilets is a relatively modern invention; the
Romans, for example, sat down together in large groups.
In Victorian times, toilet seats were always made of wood: the well-to-do sat on
mahogany or walnut, while the poor put up with untreated white pine.
"Psycho" was the first Hollywood film that showed a toilet flushing - thereby
generating many complaints.
The town council of Cheltenham Spa once voted to replace the words Men and Women
on their public toilets with Ladies and Gentlemen in order to "attract a better
class of person."
An American jeweler has built the world's most expensive toilet, made of gold,
diamonds, rubies and emeralds, with a mink seat - it costs $175,000.
Before the invention of toilet paper, people used shells or stones, bunches of
herbs, or, at best, a bit of sponge attached to a stick, which they rinsed with
cold water.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Six months after a waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she
would contact the man in the great beyond.
During the séance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the
corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit. "Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and
speak to me!"
A ghostly voice drifted from the corner... "I can't.
It's not my table."
***********************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........ and the Computer
|
|
C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS
Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...
http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm
The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom
Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com
95 %, The highest Network Payout in the history of MLM. $95 out of
$100!
$50.00 fast start bonus on every sale you make, including the first
one!
Check: it out at:
http://www.goupp.com/power95/ch795
"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7
Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:
http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053
Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html