REMINDERS:

Father's Day - Sun, Jun 18 - 2 days

Summer Solstice - Wed, Jun 21 - 5 days

Independence Day - Tue, Jul 4 - 18 days
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Generally not a good idea, meeting guys in a bar. It's like going grocery shopping when you're hungry; you bring home stuff you don't need.
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My daughter works at a casino. One evening when she was running the roulette table a fly landed on a number. One of the players noticed and put his money on that number. After my daughter spun the wheel and there were no winners, she turned to the disappointed bettor and said, "It must have been a house fly."
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The playwright Charles MacArthur had been brought to Hollywood to do a screenplay, but was finding it difficult to write visual jokes.

"What's the problem?" asked Charlie Chaplin.

"How, for example, could I make a fat lady, walking down Fifth Avenue, slip on a banana peel and still get a laugh? It's been done a million times," said MacArthur. "What's the best way to GET the laugh? Do I show first the banana peel, then the fat lady approaching, then she slips? Or do I show the fat lady first, then the banana peel, and THEN she slips?"

"Neither," said Chaplin without a moment's hesitation. "You show the fat lady approaching; then you show the banana peel; then you show the fat lady and the banana peel together; then she steps OVER the banana peel and disappears down a manhole."
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A boss to a retiree: "As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."
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Arthur C. Clarke, who wrote the science fiction novel 200l: A Space Odyssey, was also a scientist. He received a telegram from newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst demanding, "Is there life on Mars? Cable one thousand words."

Clarke wired back: "Nobody knows. Repeat five hundred times."
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When a beggar asked Fred, "Can you give me a quarter for a sandwich?" he said, "Let's see the sandwich."
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A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought "The Almighty" had given him two feet.

Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelerator."
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One Sunday while we were in church, my youngest son, five-year-old Dameon, asked what the four doors at the back of the church were for. "They're confessionals," I said. In answer to his "What are confessionals?" I explained that when people do something bad, they have to go in there and tell the priest what they did. "Oh," Dameon said, "like a penalty box."
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I don't understand why new, "upgraded"
software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can't 8.0 recognize a
9.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it? There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them.
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"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it."
(Lyndon B. Johnson)
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Because my daughter always complained that she didn't have any sharp knives, I bought her some. I phoned later and asked how she liked them. "They're terrific!" she replied enthusiastically. "I've already cut myself four times!"
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Every Christmas, composer Giacomo Puccini would have a cake baked for each of his friends. One year, having quarreled with Arturo Toscanini just before Christmas, he tried to cancel the order for the conductor's cake. But it was too late—the cake had already been dispatched. The following day, Toscanini received a telegram from Puccini: "Cake sent by mistake." He replied by return: "Cake eaten by mistake."
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On a vacation Artur Rodzinski noticed that there was to be a radio broadcast of an open-air concert conducted by Fabien Sevitzky and that the program included one of Rodzinski's own specialties, Shostakovich's Fifth Symphony.
Tuning in shortly after the concert had begun, Rodzinski listened to Sevitzky's rendering with increasing respect. "How well he sustains the line!" he murmured. "Listen to that balance! He must have studied my recording." And he ended by saying that he had done Sevitzky an injustice, that he had always thought that he had no talent but that really he was a great conductor.

At the end of the performance, instead of the expected applause there was a moment of silence. Then the announcer came on, saying that the concert had been rained out and in its place the station had played a recording of Shostakovich's Fifth conducted by Artur Rodzinski.
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After checking into a Las Vegas hotel one day, Clint Eastwood, annoyed that his closet would not open, lost his temper and put a fist through the door. Later that night, while eating dinner, Clint’s hands (with their scratched and bloody knuckles) were read by a so-called palm reader. Her verdict? "You are a very tranquil man."
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I was a brunette, but over Christmas vacation I dyed my hair red. When I came back to school my English teacher stared at me long and hard, then said "You know, last semester I had a student just like you, only she had brown hair."
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My husband's mother tongue is Spanish, and he sometimes forgets certain words in English.
When we were on vacation and were driving by fields and fields of cabbages, he exclaimed:
"Wow! Look at all that...that...coleslaw!"
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Always let your husband get his way when you're talking directions in the car. If he's right, you get where you're going; and if he's wrong, you can blame him the rest of the day. Best case scenario you can turn around and go home. It's a win-win situation.
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Robert Browning's "Sordello" was published in
1840. It is a simple story about an obscure heir to a dukedom in thirteenth-century Italy. But Browning's interest in and description of the development of the human soul complicates the tale considerably. Baffled readers resorted to the poet for an explanation. Members of the London Poetry Society asked Browning for an interpretation of a particularly difficult passage.
Browning read it once, then twice, then frowned, and shrugged his shoulders. "When I wrote that, God and I knew what it meant, but now God alone knows."
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My mother-in-law passed out cold after blowing out all 75 candles on her birthday cake . . .

For a second there I thought my wishes had come true.
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"I am the sorest loser," Regis Philbin once confessed. It was his Irish temper, he said, which led him to get violent and kick or throw things. For example? After losing a tennis match while visiting a director’s home one day in the 1970s, Regis, in fine John McEnroe form, lobbed his racket into the air. For the next 25 years, he blushed with embarrassment whenever he drove past the director’s home and saw the racket, which remained clearly visible (“like a dagger in my heart”) right where it had landed: on a neighbor’s roof.
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An American was planning an extended trip to Australia and asked, via a chat forum, whether his electrical equipment would work over there.
The short answer is yes, provided there are no problems with voltage mismatches. But somebody, just for fun, decided to say, "The Coriolis Effect will make your CDs spin the wrong way." The American bought this and asked whether there were any devices he could buy to correct the problem. A number of people, my colleague included, jumped onto the bandwagon with various suggestions.
Eventually somebody took pity on the poor guy and admitted it was all a joke. The response?
"How do you expect me to know it's a joke if you don't use a sarcastic smiley?!?!"
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Clint Eastwood rammed animation producer Stacy McLaughlin’s car and smashed her windshield with a large ball peen hammer.
What prompted this extreme response? Stacy made the mistake of leaving her car in one of Clint’s designated parking spaces.
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Once, while riding through the country with some other lawyers, Abraham Lincoln was missed from the party, and was seen loitering near a thicket of wild plum trees where the men had stopped a short time before to water their horses.

"Where is Lincoln?" asked one of the lawyers.

"When I saw him last," answered another, "he had caught two young birds that the wind had blown out of their nest, and was hunting for the nest to put them back again."

As Lincoln joined them, the lawyers rallied him on his tender- heartedness, and he said:

"I could not have slept unless I had restored those little birds to their mother."
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My Uncle Jeb is the laziest man in the county.
One day his best friend drove by my uncle's farm and noticed his barn was on fire.

"Your barn's burning down," he yelled.

"I know it," said Uncle Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
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A neighbor asked Jed why he looked so down in the mouth. “It’s those two crazy mules of mine,“ he said. “I hitched ‘em up to harvest my field of popcorn yesterday. It was as hot as could be, and the temperature climbed so high that the corn started to pop right on the cob.
Those two mules thought it was snowing—they layed right down in the field and froze to death.“
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"I'm very proud to say that everyone in our audience is a member of the United States military. We have the Marines, the Air Force, the Coastguard, the Army, the Navy...the only ones not here are members of the elite Delta Force, they are in Malibu rescuing Britney Spears' baby from the front seat of his mom's car. The baby is locked in back- wards." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is being criticized because she recently called today's college kids 'lazy' and 'uninformed.' A spokesperson for college kids said, 'Whatever, lady from TV.'"
--Conan O'Brien

"President Bush addressed the United States about immigration. This was odd. During the speech, he laid out his proposal and then he tried to hold his breath for nine minutes."
--David Letterman
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Annie pay as she goes, except when she goes with somebody -- and she always goes with somebody.
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck ....... and the Computer

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