REMINDERS:

Father's Day - Sun, Jun 19 - 3 days

Summer Solstice - Tue, Jun 21 - 5 days

Independence Day - Mon, Jul 04 - 18 days
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JOKES:
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A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
remorsed the patient."
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Q: Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?

A: Because she smells like a new truck!
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The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher."

"I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."
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"I think one reason they call them "Relaxed Fit"
jeans is that "Ass The Size of Texas" jeans would not sell very well."

Jim Rosenberg
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Wal Mart aims to please everyone. They've just opened up a new store about 30 miles east of Cleveland, Ohio, in the small town of Middlefield. Home to numerous Amish families.
In an effort to pull in the Amish crowd, the store has an expanded parking lot, which includes 37 hitching posts for horse-drawn buggies. They also stock block ice and a large fabric section.
Not to be outdone, Home Depot will begin offering cow-milking and butter-churning workshops on Saturdays. - IBS/Local 6
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Lifetime Subscriber Brotha Lowell was telling us how he'd slid into the ditch on a recent icy morning. Now the insurance company ("those slimy bastards" as Lowell calls 'em) were balking at paying the claim.

He had to explain the accident to a zillion different people. He was getting tired of telling the same story ("Why doesn't someone write it down?") when his lovely wife, Amy, took over from him. Lowell had been in the midst of typing this letter:

To: Julie - Insurance Company From: Lowell RE:
Summary of events leading up to claim Van work.

Ice and snow come.

Van go in to ditch.

Oh shit! Scary ride!

Van get out of ditch.

Van no work anymore.

The end.
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As the horror movie was about to reach its terrifying conclusion, the young woman began fidgeting in her seat.

The man sitting behind her leaned forward and inquired quietly, "Feeling hysterical?"

"No," she whispered, pointing to her boyfriend.
"He's feeling mine."
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There's a church-sponsored basketball league in the Atlanta area that makes awards to players at the end of every game. Young players will get awards for best defense, best offense, best sportsmanship, and an award for being the most "Christlike."

I asked a mother how a player would qualify for that award. "It's easy," she said. "If the crowd moans 'Oh, Jesus!' every time one particular player gets the ball, he gets the award."
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A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our oil is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas.

Our dipsticks are located in Washington D.C.
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A teacher told the class to draw a picture on panic.

The teacher noticed little Johnny sitting in the front of class had apparently done his drawing and was sitting with his arms crossed in a matter of seconds.

After a while the teacher told the class to put down their pencils and then asked one of the students, Mary Lou to show her drawing. It was a drawing of a ship sinking with people in the water in a state of panic.

Teacher asked Tom to show his painting. It was of a house burning and people fleeing the flames.

All the time Little Johnny sat with his arms folded then teacher asked Johnny to show his drawing. He help it up and there were three crosses (XXX) on the paper.

Teacher asked Johnny to explain how that represented panic.

Little Johnny said "I have four sisters, every month there are four crosses (XXXX)on the calendar, this month there is only three, you should see the panic in our household.
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Bring Out the Animal in You!


We work like a horse. We eat like a pig. We like to play chicken. You can get someone's goat.
We can be as slippery as a snake. We get dog tired. We can be as quiet as a mouse. We can be as quick as a cat. Some of us are as strong as an ox. People try to buffalo others. Some are as ugly as a toad. We can be as gentle as a lamb. Sometimes we are as happy as a lark.
Some of us drink like a fish. We can be as proud as a peacock. A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla. You can get a frog in your throat. We can be a lone wolf. But I'm having a whale of a time!
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Little Known Laws

Weinberg's second law: If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

Hartley's first law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.

Main's law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Pohl's law of imperfection: Nothing is so good, that someone, somewhere, will not hate it.

Weiler's law: Nothing is impossible to the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Preudhomme's Law of window washing: It's on the other side.

Weiner's law of libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
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MUSICIANS ARE FUNNY PEOPLE - THEY HAVE:


Notes they cannot cash ... Bars they can't lean on ... Scales that weigh nothing ... Flats they can't live in ... They are not policemen, yet they have their beats. No matter how busy, they always have time for rest. They are not locksmiths, although they deal in keys. They are quarrelsome while living in perfect harmony. BUT...With all those chords,they are very good at Geometry AND...They can outdo Einstein, for they change the time!
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An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya.

The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"

The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill."

So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal.

"Now, go and open the trunk!"

So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car.

"Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?"
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A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random...

"Salvation Army," came the answer.

"Eh, what do you do?" asked the man.

"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.

"Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."
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We live in a world where someone can ask who the richest man in the world is and be given a name. But you can't name the poorest man in the world. They come in the millions.
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If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ...... and the Computer
 

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