REMINDERS:

Flag Day - Tue, Jun 14 - 0 days

Father's Day - Sun, Jun 19 - 5 days

Summer Solstice - Tue, Jun 21 - 7 days

Independence Day - Mon, Jul 04 - 20 days
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JOKES:
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Our catering manager lacks certain social skills--like knowing when to keep her mouth shut.

While discussing a baby christening party with a young couple, she told the mother, "You look like you've lost most of your pregnancy weight."

"Thanks," came the clenched-teeth reply. We adopted."
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A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
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A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
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As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant.

One afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully.

"Let me take these home," he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."

The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe, shining like glass.

"This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
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Residents of a local nursing home loved our karate school's demonstration. We could tell because they gave us a big hand at the end of the demonstration.

After the applause died down, everyone remained seated, so we showed off a few more moves. When our encore ended and again, no one budged, we launched into our second encore.

"I didn't expect karate to be so popular here," I whispered to one of the residents, after the second encore.

"It's not," she said with a kindly smile. "We're waiting for you to leave so we can get on with our bingo game."
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Madge : I do believe in sex on the first date.


Ethel : That's pretty modern thinking for an 80 year old woman.

Madge : Well, you can never be sure of a 2nd date with an 80 year old man!
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BACK IN MY DAY By Uncle Soupy

You kids are a bunch of wimps 'n sissies.

Back in my day We didn't have hurricanes. We just had storms called, "What the hell was that?"

Our houses didn't blow apart. They were held together by mold, mildew, and asbestos. And we LOVED it!

We never wore helmets when we rode our bicycles, and our bikes were seven feet high, and made out of lead. We fell directly on our heads and were darn proud of it!

You young folks have to wear a helmet when you eat peanuts.

We didn't have sex back then. We had neckin'.
If we did have sex, somebody'd have told me.

We never heard of neurotics. We had crazy people, and they were called "relatives".

My father had his elbows pierced so he could wear cufflinks with a short sleeved shirt.

He had a mole on his nose that made him self-conscious, so he had it tattooed to look like a fly.

My Aunt Maude could jump three feet straight up in the air, without bending her knees.

You don't see talent like that these days.

So, eat a peanut, sniff some mold, take off your kneepads, and wear a lead watch. You'll LOVE it!

I hope I can get this childproof cap off my Viagra.

Love, Uncle Soupy
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Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
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At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead.

As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
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Theron telephoned the FBI and got a special agent on the line.

"What can I do for you, sir," asked the Fed.

"I've been getting threatening letters in the mail," said George.

"That's against the law, isn't it?"

"It certainly is," said the government man. "Do you know who's been writing them?"

"Yeah," said George. "My girlfriend's husband."
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An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen.
Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left.

The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. It's contents were thus:

"Doctor, your fly is undone!"
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"A man could get rich manufacturing crutches for lame excuses." ~Benjamin Franklin
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A speech is like a bicycle wheel; the longer the spoke, the greater the tire. -Daily Giggle
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A woman was out driving with her husband. She was speeding along about fifty when a motorcycle cop appeared alongside and indicated for her to pull over.

The cop looked at her and said, "Hmmm. I'm going to put you down for fifty-five."

She turned to her husband.

"See! I told you this hat makes me look old."
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While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.

"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.

"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
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One Sunday morning, an old biker entered a church just before services were to begin.

Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old leather jacket and an equally worn out bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old biker had ever seen.

The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the biker took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work. As the old biker was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the biker to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."

The old biker assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and leather jacket.

Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old biker.

"If you spoke to God, what did He tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?"
asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He says He's never been here before."
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Years ago when I was a child I used to go to the grocery store with my Mom. Barrels sat around the store filled with pickles, loose crackers, and huge containers from which lard was dispensed.
This was a small country store.

One morning, my mom and I went to the store to purchase a few groceries. In the store was an elderly woman asking to buy three pounds of lard and have it put into an empty pail she was carrying. The son of the owner was minding the store while the father went to lunch.

He stated, "Miss Abigail, your pail will only hold two pounds."

Miss Abigail looked at him as if he were simple minded and said, "Where is your daddy? He has been putting three pounds of lard in this pail for the last five years!!!!"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

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