TODAY'S JOKES 6-12-03
***************REMINDERS

Flag Day Sat, Jun 14 - 2 days

Father's Day Sun, Jun 15 - 3 days

Summer Solstice Sat, Jun 21 - 9 days

Independence Day Fri, Jul 04 - 22 days
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JOKES:
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Dear Dogs

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.
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Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need do to lose weight is to take a bath.
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The doorbell rang again. Little Johnny answered it and there was a man standing there. "Hello, little boy,"
said the man. "Is your mother at home?"

"Yes, she is," said little Johnny. "May I tell her who is here?"

"I'm from the Jehovah's Witnesses," the man replied.

"Maw," called Johnny, turning toward the back of the house, "it's that Fuller Shit man again!"
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Church is the only place I know, where I can arrive late and get the best seats in the house!
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There is a new nail polish that changes colors as your mood changes. The darker the color, the worse your mood is. This is a godsend for guys. No more asking the wife if there is something wrong. You walk in the house, you see that black nail polish, get the heck outta there! (Jay Leno)
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Three female cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian.
Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing.

The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bread Siamese." The third cat still said nothing.

Then the first two cats asked her,"What are your kittens?" She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."
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Two men were talking and one said to the other, How are you and your wife getting along these days? the first man replies, oh, she left me because of illness. The second man said, what do you mean because of illness? Yeah, replied the first man, she was sick of me.
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Today's useless fact - Why did Samuel Clemens call himself Mark Twain?

First, you have to know that Clemens once wanted nothing more in life than to be a riverboat captain. Having someone measuring and calling out depth in a river was a must for any riverboat captain trying to navigate the Mississippi. The call mark twain means "two fathoms," or 12 feet deep.
"Mark twain" was just barely deep enough for a boat to navigate, indicating somewhat unsafe waters—suggestive enough to suit humorist and satirist Samuel L. Clemens just fine.
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One day at the preschool, the teacher taught the students about Jesus asked how does he look. Mary said " He looks like a angel."
Teacher says " How about you Johnny?"
He drives a red pickup." How do you know that?" said the teacher. "
Well my daddy picked me up from school and on the way home a guy in a red pickup cut in front of us and Daddy yelled" Jesus Christ!!!"
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Attractive men are supposed to have better quality sperm. Well, that doesn't make sense.
The sperm of unattractive men must be of better quality.
It's handmade! - Jay Leno
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Cable network TNT is producing a made for TV version of the 80's series, CHiPs, which will reunite original cast members Erik Estrada and Larry Wilcox in their roles as Ponch and Jon. Can you believe they were available?
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Once there was a man who prided himself on having all of the latest gadgets for his car. One day a young man pulled up alongside his car in an old, beat up VW and waved a sheet of fax paper, yelling, "Look what I've got!"

Not to be outdone, the man had a fax installed in his car that very afternoon. The next time he saw the VW, it was parked and the windows seemed to be steamed up. The man rapped on a window and when the young man appeared, waved a sheet of fax paper at him and said, "I've got one too."

At which the young man gave him a disdainful look and said, "You got me out of the shower just to tell me that?"
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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!

* And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

* Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.

* Uh-oh.

* I don't know where that came from! Just put it over there.

* Better crank up that anesthesia.

* I don't think that was supposed to come off.

* Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won't pay for the rest.

* Well, it's five o'clock! We'll just put this off till tomorrow.

* Hey....maybe the janitor knows what this is.
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A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
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"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
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THE PERFECT BREAKFAST ....as a man sees it...

You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
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"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

- George Burns
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That's the jokes for today...
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .....and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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