TODAY'S JOKES 6-11-03
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REMINDERS

Flag Day Sat, Jun 14 - 3 days

Father's Day Sun, Jun 15 - 4 days

Summer Solstice Sat, Jun 21 - 10 days

Independence Day Fri, Jul 04 - 23 days
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JOKES:
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A lady walks into a Furniture Store. She browses around, then spots the perfect leather sofa and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, sure enough, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely leather sofa?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him.
He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.' 'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
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"The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.

"Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.' "'And the bad news?' they ask.

"Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm.'"
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Some of you have may not lived long enough to appreciate the full meaning of this little funny, but if you live long enough, you will.

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Bill Maurer)
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My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.

"Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.

He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence. On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"

"Damn, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"
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When I managed a chemical plant, I instituted a rule that there would be no playing games on our computers. So I wouldn't be a hypocrite, I had an information technologist get rid of all the games on my laptop. Therefore I was surprised to find my own grandson playing solitaire on it one weekend. I asked if he had loaded the game...

"No," he answered, "it was already there.
It was just hidden,,, taken off the main menu."

On Monday I chided our information technologist for not getting rid of the game. "But," he explained, "I thought I just had to keep it away from *you* - not from a nine-year-old!"
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What an automated society we live in.
Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?
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My mother, my son (who is now three years old) and I were in a local department store. Byron, my son, brought along his toy soldier doll.

He ended up leaving the toy in my mother's cart, but I didn't know this at the time and I asked him, "Byron, where is your little man?"

He looked very confused, touched the front of his pants and said, with utmost sincerity, "It's right here, Mom!"

I was floored, although everyone else in the store seemed to be very amused!
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From Jay Leno

The Feds hit Martha Stewart with a
41-page indictment.

To give you an idea of how much trouble she's in, they only have 16 pages against Saddam Hussein.
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One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law's political weight around.
The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer.

The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking.
He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey, do you know who I am?"

The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor's office.
"Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that his brother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name."
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According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually able to hear with their breasts.

Of course this is great for Italian men, because they talk with their hands.
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"I was relaxing in my favorite chair on Sunday," said Doug to Bill, "reading the newspaper, watching a ball game on TV and listening to another on the radio, drinking a beer, eating a snack, and scratching the dog with my foot -- and my wife has the nerve to accuse me of just sitting there doing nothing !"
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The driving instructor was giving lessons to Jill, but she was an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road, and Jill remained completely calm.

"This time you're doing fine!" exclaimed the instructor.

"Yep" Jill agreed. "Now when I see another car coming, I just shut my eyes."
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Mort Sahl sympathized with football widows.

When one woman asked him how she could get her husband's attention away from the TV set, he said, "Wear something sheer."

"What if that doesn't work?" she asked.

"Then put a number on your back." Sahl replied.
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John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter.
"I hardly ever get a compliment."
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In her book, Hillary says that when Clinton finally admitted to her about the affair, she says, 'She could hardly breathe and was gulping for air.' I'm sorry, that's Monica's book.

Hillary's book is called "Living History."
Hillary says when Bill finally came clean about Monica, she was 'dumbfounded, heartbroken and outraged' that she had believed his lies. You know what they say -- 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 6000 times, shame on me.' According to this week's "National Enquirer," there's a videotape of President Clinton having sex with another woman. Actual physical evidence of Bill Clinton having sex with a woman other than Hillary. Is anybody amazed by this? Evidence of him having sex with Hillary, now that would be amazing!
There is reportedly a video tape of Bill Clinton having sex with a woman in a truck, or "the bridal suite," as it's known in Arkansas.
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Two women were sitting together sharing their morning coffee. Sarah said to Marge, "Living with my husband is like playing checkers."

"How so?" asks Marge.

"Every time I make a move, he jumps me."
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In a very exclusive private school near California's Silicon Valley, a third-grade teacher was lecturing her upper-high-class students about the less fortunate. She asked them each to write an essay about a poor family in the area.

One little girl's paper began: "Once upon a time there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The nannies were poor. The pool man was poor. The personal trainer was poor. The gardeners were poor.
This was a very poor family !
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One of the workers at that furniture warehouse was a bookkeeper named Renfril. he was a bland, mousy man, the kind whose clothing never got louder than beige. But he had one accomplishment that the other workers constantly referred to.
Renfril was the Cal Rifken of the warehouse
-- he hadn't missed a day's work since he began in 1972.
In fact, he'd never shown up later than
8:55 in all that time.

So it was a shock to everyone when his seat was empty one morning. Word buzzed rapidly around the office that he hadn't even called. The whole place watched the clock -- 9:15, 9:30, 9:45, and still no Renfril.

When he finally came through the door at five to ten, the manager was right there waiting for him. Renfril's suit was rumpled, his shirt had dirt stains on it, and his hair was mussed.

"Sorry, sir," he said to the manager. "I tripped on the way out of my apartment. Fell down a whole flight of stairs. I even lost consciousness for a while. My neighbors said it looked like I was dead."

"A flight of stairs?" the manager said. "And this took you a whole hour?"
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Major League Baseball is trying to figure out how to deal with the increasing problem of fans getting drunk at games, after several high-profile, violent incidents. League owners say they want to stop substance abuse in the stands and put it back in the locker room, where it belongs.
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A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.

The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.

He stands up and says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"

The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for f*cking dogs."

Everyone is disgusted!

They all shout "What??!! How LOW can you get!"

"Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little", Luke replies.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer

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