REMINDERS:

Belmont Stakes - Sat, Jun. 11 - 1 days

Flag Day - Tue, Jun 14 - 4 days

Father's Day - Sun, Jun 19 - 9 days

Summer Solstice - Tue, Jun 21 - 11 days

Independence Day - Mon, Jul 04 - 24 days
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JOKES:
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When someone twitted Calvin Coolidge for his habitual silence, he replied, "Well, I found out early in life that you didn't have to explain something you hadn't said."
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If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

---Johnny Carson
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A judge noticing that the witness on the stand seemed quite distressed, asked him what was wrong. "Well your Honor, I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but everytime I try to do so, one of these lawyers objects!"
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Butch, our boxer, hated taking medicine. After a lot of trial and error, my father eventually figured out the simplest way to get it into him:
blow it down Butch's throat with something called a 'pill tube.' So, Dad put the the large tablet in one end of the tube, forced the reluctant dog's jaws open, and poked the other end into his mouth. Then, just as my father inhaled to blow, Butch coughed.

A startled look appeared on Dad's face. He opened his eyes wide and swallowed hard.

"I think I've just been de-wormed," he gasped.
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Americans spend millions of dollars a year playing games of chance, and that doesn't include weddings and elections.
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Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until he starts working.
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Man to colleague: "Few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
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There was a lovely story in the press this month. A retired lorry driver and his wife entered a competition where the first prize was a holiday for two in Hong Kong. They always wanted to go there. But they got the 2nd prize of "A year of passion." When they received the prize, it turned out to be 365 condoms.

He told a reporter, "I couldn't believe it. I'm 64 and I have a bad back. My wife has just had her hip replaced. If I was a young chap, still able to do the business, I suppose I'd be happy. But these days, I'd be lucky if I get a stiff neck."

He is now trying to sell his prize.
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Mother: I'll be going to the hospital soon so the doctor can deliver your baby brother or sister.

Janie: But Mother, that's what I don't understand.

Mother: What, Janie?

Janie: Well, if the doctor's going to deliver the baby, why do you have to go to the hospital?
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When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck.
Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore.
When she asked, "What are the age and make of the vehicle?"

Mark replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil." Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. "Is there a problem?" asked Mark.

"Mr. Evans, no matter what I try," she explained, "the computer can't find a Ford Fossil."
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Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.

"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded. He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."

At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can't miss 'em!"
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A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.

Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said, still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.

He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, "No no, sir. You must not applaud."

Dumfounded, he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."

"No sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech."
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A mayoral candidate was speaking at a local service club. His hour-long, rambling comments drew frustrated sighs and frequent yawns.
Finally, in closing, he asked if there were any questions. "I have one," came a voice from the back of the room, "Who else is running?"
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When I was in the 8th grade, there was a day when our teacher had decided to show a film to the classroom. As she readied the projector, I had impulsively gotten up to turn off the lights.
As I walked towards the light switch, the teacher asked, "Tom, where are you going?" I replied, "To take care of the lights." "Why? Where are they going?" she asked.

"Out!" was my quick-witted reply, pun intended.

The entire class enjoyed it.
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That's the jokes for today and for the week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck ..... and the Computer
 

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