TODAY'S JOKES 6-10-03
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REMINDERS

Flag Day Sat, Jun 14 - 4 days

Father's Day Sun, Jun 15 - 5 days

Summer Solstice Sat, Jun 21 - 11 days

Independence Day Fri, Jul 04 - 24 days
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JOKES:
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A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat:

"I'm the greatest batter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest batter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.
He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world, too!"
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Once a Pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven.

God came and said, "Follow me and I will give you your rooms." So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. "Thank you, thank you my lord,"
said The Pope.

Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman.

"Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other one to The Pope?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, we get popes by the dozens, but you're our first lawyer."
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Anne admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening Bill returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."

Anne turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, that's why I married a college graduate."
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A married man left work early one Friday afternoon.
Instead of going home, he squandered the weekend and his paycheck partying with the boys, never calling his wife.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a furious wife. After a couple of hours of yelling and screaming his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?" He responded, "That would suit me just fine!"

So, Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
By Thursday, the swelling went down enough so that he could see her a little... just out of the corner of his left eye.
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LOOKING OLD AND NOT KNOWING IT

Everyone has been guilty of looking at others our own age and thinking, surely I cannot look that old.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some
40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1956." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
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An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling,"
"Sweetheart,"
"Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth,"
he said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
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The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year- old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work, agreed to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy.
It's the only way I know."
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Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require precertification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
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How to break bad news!


A letter by a young girl to her mom Dear Mom, I know I haven't written for three months, but I have been very busy and I've been having a very exciting time.
Actually, I'm just back from the hospital, where I had spent a fortnight about two months ago. It was nothing, really - just a concussion on the back of my head, a broken leg and a ! hairline fracture, that I got while jumping out of the second floor of my Dorm when it caught fire. In fact, I can now stand all by myself without crutches, and can almost see everything perfectly, except for a slight blur. But don't worry. The doctor says there is a good chance of me walking on my own again. Actually,it could have been worse, if not for that nice pizza delivery guy who saw me lying there in a dead faint and rushed me to hospital. He was very helpful, really, and came to see me everyday in the hospital. Now that I am out of hospital, I had nowhere to go, as the dorm is still under construction. So when he suggested that I move in with him, I thought it was very kind of him, and agreed. We are very much in love now, and I am sure that you and Dad will surely like him and accept him in the family. I am sure the minor matter that he is fourteen years older than me and that he is an illegal immigrant, will not matter at all to broadminded parents ! like you.

He may be illiterate and poor, but he has a heart of gold - really, Mom, you should see how he cares for both of us - me and his wife, that is. She is quite sweet too, and so are her three children; so there is absolutely no problem. You must be wondering how you and Dad got informed so late.
Don't get angry, Mom. We just didn't have the time. You see, we decided to get married only recently since we thought it would be unfair to let our baby into the world without a proper surname. Yes, Mom, you are going to be a grandmother! Congratulations!
I am sure you and Dad are delighted, and will come to visit us in his village in Mexico after we shift there next week.

OK Mom. All this did not really happen.
There was no fire, no fracture, no bigamous chai-walla and no illegitimate pregnancy.
But I did flunk in my Mathematics exam, and I wanted you to view this problem in the right perspective.

Your Darling Daughter
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Because I often have to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job, I was concerned that I wasn't always visible to bus drivers in the darkness.
So, I attached a reflector to my lunch box and put on a jogger's vest that was bright orange and had small flashing lights.

The first morning I wore my new gear, the bus zoomed past but then stopped. I ran to catch up with it and, as I boarded, asked the driver, "Didn't you see me?"

"I saw you," he replied, "but I thought you were a road sign."
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At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go
home and those who don't.
The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
(Ann Landers)
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A rookie cop was asked the following question on an examination: "How would you go about dispersing a crowd?"
He answered: "Take up an offering. That does it every time."
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Detective (surveying a lineup):


Now each of you repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."

Suspect in the lineup: That's not what I said!
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There's a new telephone service that lets you test your IQ over the phone. It costs $3.95 a minute.
If you make the call at all, you're a moron.
If you're on the line for three minutes, you're a complete idiot. - Jay Leno
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I'm beginning to understand exactly how the State lottery helps education.

Every time I buy a losing ticket, I get a little smarter.
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Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."
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The older generation thought nothing about getting up at 5 AM every morning.

The younger generation doesn't think much about it either.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

- George Carlin
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As I was walking in the garden
I came upon a snake.
With heart up in my mouth
I ran to get the rake.

My husband stood and watched
As I beat it black and blue,
'Cause he had found it yesterday
And he had killed it too.
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Two dogs meet each other in the park.


The first dog says, "Hi, I'm Rover. What's your name?"

The other dog says, "I don't know, but I think it's 'Down Boy'."
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For two years I managed a group of musicians who proudly labeled themselves "the loudest rock 'n' roll band in L.A." One night, during a particularly rowdy and raucous rehearsal, the boys took a break.

Rubbing one ear, the lead singer asked, "Hey, are you guys losing your hearing?"

The bass player shrugged and, pointing to his forehead, replied, "Well, maybe just a little on top."
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Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?

"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.

"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny.

Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."

"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"

"The fire department, dear."

"Mummy, where does food come from?"

"Farmers, dear."

"Mummy?"

"Yes, dear?"

"What do we need Daddy for?"
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Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister.

The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known.

Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.
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We have a new species of bird in our area.
Few people have actually seen one but its
called...;

"Ooooooh---Aaaahh"

is unmistakable as it lays its square eggs..!!
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the Computer

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