TODAY'S JOKES 3-7-03
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REMINDERS:

St. Patrick's Day Mon, Mar 17 - 10 days

Spring Equinox Fri, Mar 21 - 14 days

April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 25 days

Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 30 days
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JOKES:
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Nominated for Quote of the Year is the statement made by Texas Congressman Dick Armey when asked: "If you had been in President Clinton's place, would you have resigned?"

Armey responded: "If I were in the President's place I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to Mrs.
Armey saying, "How do I reload this damn thing?"
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The doctor knocked at the hospital door before entering Jill's room. Jill called out to come in.
The doctor then proceeded to tell Jill to remove all of her clothing after which he gave her a thorough, from top to bottom, front to back, leaving no part of her body untouched. When he had finished, Jill looked the doctor straight in the eye and asked, "Doctor, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," he replied.

Jill asks, "Why did you bother to knock?"
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My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem. "Well,"
the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools. . . ."
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Rumour has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is only there to keep the pilot and passengers cool.


What, you don’t believe this?

If it stops, just watch them start to sweat.
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During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments.
One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially."I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?"
Knowing my supervisor was listening nearby, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors." "Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door.
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HERE IN THE U.S. of A...


In the US, it takes more brainpower to fill out the income tax forms than it does to earn the income in the first place.

So if the world is truly getting "smaller", how come the US Postal rates keep going up ?

All politicians claim they know what it was like to be poor.
OK, fine, but why do they insist on the rest of us learning too.

In the US, there are several ways to become rich: inherit a lot of money, invent/develop, win the lottery or sue somebody.

Hospitals still have private and semi-private accommodations.
If you have an HMO though, semi-private means two to a bed.

Strange how people who don't even know their neighbors, are extremely curious to know if there's extra-terrestrial life.
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I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, "Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father."

He said, "I brought you up, didn't I?"
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This guy came into work one day with a fistful of cigars and started passing them out left and right to celebrate the birth of his son.
"Congratulations, Eric," said the boss.
"How much does the baby weigh?"
"Four and a half pounds," reported the father proudly. "Gee, that's kind of small."
"What did you expect?" retorted Eric indignantly. "We've only been married three months.
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During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob."

The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."
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"I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'"
--Rodney Dangerfield
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A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" The guide replied, "That depends on how fast you carry the flashlight."
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After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Jane sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.

A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"

There was dead silence for a moment.
Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
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Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner. Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.

On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car.

"Awwwww come on." I said. "It wasn't that bad."

"Your ordering didn't help matters." she said fuming.

"What ?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters."

"ONE AT A TIME ?!?!?!" she yelled.
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck ......and the Computer

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