TODAY'S JOKES 3-6-03
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REMINDERS:
St. Patrick's Day Mon, Mar 17 - 11 days
Spring Equinox Fri, Mar 21 - 15 days
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JOKES:
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New Dad and First Baby
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He just needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!
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My husband and I both look very young for our ages. In fact, we've hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes on each other in college -- at least, that's what we tell each other. Our children have a way of bringing us crashing back to earth.
Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who was running for public office.
"He's a Vietnam Vet," commented my husband.
"What's that?" queried our young daughter.
Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old could readily grasp, my husband replied, "Well, Honey, that means that the man fought in a war that happened when Mommy and Daddy were little."
Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a moment, then asked "So, was he a Viking?"
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My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.
"Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm worth at least $137,000."
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The Definition of a Computer Upgrade:
Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
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When candidate Bill Clinton appeared on the MTV show, he was asked if he wore briefs or boxer underwear. When a reporter asked South Carolina Senator Thurmond if he wore boxer or briefs, he replied "Just Depends."
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Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next- door neighbor.
"Since you are in bed with my wife," the furious man shouted, "I'm going over and sleep with yours!"
"Go right ahead," was the reply. "The rest will do you good."
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Little Johnny kept asking his mother about his father. Where was he? Little Johnny's mother finally told him, "Your father was hanged 8 years ago for killing some people."
The next day at school the teacher asked what their father was noted for.
The children responded, "He is a doctor, a priest, a teacher, etc."
When it came to little Johnnie, the teacher hesitated but finally asked him what was his father noted for.
Little Johnny, thought and then finally stood up and said, "My father was well hung!"
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The invention of the Internet has provided man with a new, powerful tool for world change and affectation, but if there is one thing I've learned, it's that mankind's greatest dream is not to solve world hunger or cure the common cold, it is to see naked chicks.
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EXCUSE NOTE WRITTEN BY A PARENT FOR HER DAUGHTER'S ABSENCE FROM SCHOOL:
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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Some Love Cards That Probably Wont Go Over Too Well We're perfect for each other...
I can't hold a job and you have a trust fund.
Will you be my sweet valentine?
Please let me know as soon as possible, because I have some backups in mind.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
One... Two.... yeah, that is about it I guess!
Tonight is going to be a special night.
Just you and me and ESPN.
Sweetheart, you'll always be my Vaseline.
Oops, valentine, rather!
To my snuggly-wuggly, eentsy-weentsy, honeyy-baby...
I am going to screw you so hard tonight.
Honey, be mine!
Can I do you from behind?
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My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home- improvement store. Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on.
Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison!
Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."
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Crazy Charlie, the used-car dealer, was out to break all sales records with his "like new"
models.
A large sign in his window announced: "A Blonde Free With Each Car."
A delighted young wolf plunked down his cash and, hot with anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into the country. He parked, gave her a couple of preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her ear.
She shook her head, smiled, and said, "You got that when you bought this car."
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A teacher asked a student in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"His response was, "My mother can!" The teacher replied, "Really, How?" The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .....and the Computer
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