TODAY'S JOKES 3-5-03
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REMINDERS:
St. Patrick's Day Mon, Mar 17 - 12 days
Spring Equinox Fri, Mar 21 - 16 days
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JOKES:
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch. They need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister," When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you and you can drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599.00, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, " I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1.00 left. She realized that she'll only be able to send her sister a one word message. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word.
"Comfortable." The telegraph operator shakes his head. " How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you only send her the word, "Comfortable?"
The brunette explains, " My sister is blonde. The words's big. She'll read it slowly. ("Com-for-da-bul")
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Bill Maurer)
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Canada. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am a trial attorney and I can make a case against you that will cost you if you don't let me get that duck.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle Disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this with the Canadian Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Canadian Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he Could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
[I love this part.....)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Dave Sundy.)
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A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank.
So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, but the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way.
You told me three times you were coming!"
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The druggist approached the customer who had just lit a cigar. "Excuse me," he said, "but you can't smoke in here."
The irate customer puffed a stream of smoke from the side of his mouth. "Like hell I can't!! I just bought the damn thing here!"
"Big deal," replied the druggist. "We sell condoms here too."
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WHY SOME PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL
The following are stories provided by travel agents:
* I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
* A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at
8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
* I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is
823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
* A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
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What is the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?
Morning Sickness!
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Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it"
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again......
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....
yup....."
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Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.
The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. And frankly, your husband's results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other has tested positive for AIDS.
We can't tell which is your husband."
That's terrible! Can't we do the test over?"
questioned Mrs. Ward.
Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
Mrs. Ward asked, "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Ralph Fulton)
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OLD IS WHEN...
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.
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A teacher wrote on the blackboard: "Like I ain't had no fun in months." Then she asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
One student raised his hand and said, "Get a boyfriend?"
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A guy walks in and sits down at a bar.
The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
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Actual Answers Given By contestants on "The Family Feud"
Game Show Name something a blind person might use - A sword Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse Name something that floats in the bath - Water Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers Something you put on walls - Roofs Something in the garden that's green - Shed Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate Something with a hole in it - Window
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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT A TATTOO PARLOUR "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"
"Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
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"All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?"
- Seinfeld
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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"However there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GREAT day!
Chuck ......and the Computer
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