TODAY'S JOKES 3-31-03
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REMINDERS:

April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 1 days

Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 6 days

Tax Day Tue, Apr 15 - 15 days
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JOKES:
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The Night Shift

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through the gate.
Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to the supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why?
What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed.
Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you count for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"
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Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said.
"How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
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A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.
Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard.
Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) "
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A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a naked man.

As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies had sketched the man with an erection.

The professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way???"
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At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared.
"For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
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The 14-year-old was going to her first formal dance and modeled her dress for her Father.

"Cindy!" he said, "Either that dress is cut way too low, or you're not in it far enough."
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Two guys had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when, by chance the call of nature caused them to line up at adjacent urinals at the same time, still deep in conversation.

But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed. "I say, thats a remarkable tool you have there old boy,"
Fred was prompted to remark.

"Wasn't always that way," replied Chas, "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done over in Harley Street, England, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent."

Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing. It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advise and was well pleased with the result.

"But Chas, I will tell you something else,"
said Fred.
"You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand."

Chas could hardly believe it. Same address in Harley Street, same doctor. Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look. Once more they lined up at the porcelain and when Chas took a peek over the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared.

"No wonder," he laughed. "Thats my old one!"
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Louis was talking to his friend Max.
"There's nothing I wouldn't do for my Becky," he said, "and there's nothing Becky wouldn't do for me.

And that's how we go through life - doing nothing for each other."
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A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off.

"Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"

"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
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In the small, family-owned electronics store in Spokane, Wash., where I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own.

One day, after parking across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in, made her purchase, and then asked, "Do you give validation?"

Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent person, and I love your hair."
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Time

A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer.
One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up.
Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement: "Time for service."
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Men hate to lose. I once beat John at tennis.
I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?"

He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
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Moishe and Sadie, hoping to get rid of their Rabbi, decided to trap him by exposing his hypocrisy when his wife went to Israel to visit her family. The Rabbi was working at home, as he usually did on Wednesday mornings, preparing his Shabbat sermon, when the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was Sadie standing outside. She opened her coat, revealing that she was nude, except for a small frilly white apron.
"Do you want to play games?" Sadie asked, "I'll be Mimi, the French maid."
"Wonderful, wonderful," the Rabbi said, "come right in and take off your coat."
He looked Sadie over and said, "OK, let's play. You're the maid and I'm the housewife. I'm going out to have lunch with a couple of my friends, and while I'm gone, you're going to start in the kitchen. Be careful with the crockery and don't mix up the silverware. OK?"
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Morris just couldn't believe it - he had won a top prize in the lottery. He just had to tell his best friend Irving.
Irving congratulated Morris and asked how he had picked his six numbers.
"I chose my age and the ages of my wife and 3 children," replied Morris.
"But that's only 5 numbers," said Irving.
"What about the sixth number?"
"Well, it was a miracle," replied Morris.
"Six sevens appeared to me in a dream and danced before my very eyes. Six times seven is 49 and so I chose 49."
"Hey, wait a minute," said Irving, "six times seven is
42 not 49."
"Huh????... All right, so you be the mathematical genius."
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Linda, a college freshman brought home some friends with new opinions to share with her bubbe(grandma).
Arguing with great intensity the coeds discussed Darwin and the revisionists' attack on the theory of evolution. Finally, Bubbe spoke up.
Heredity...environment. Young girls thinking about such things? Feh. It's very complicated issue, Grandma. Complicated-shomplicated!
Please. Even sixty years ago in Russia, we knew the answer,
1-2-3. If the baby looks like the father, that's heredity.
If he looks like the milkman, that's environment.
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Both men and women like to have sex in the dark. It's because they're afraid to see what they've brought home!
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A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads:

"Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L. L. D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigracion Legal Services "

Suddenly, Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone !"

Through his tears, Morris sobs, "You don't understand!

They left out the phone number and Email !"
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Mary: Yeah, he was nice enough, but the real reason I dated him for so long was RBD.

Jill: RBD?

Mary: Yeah, Really Big Dick.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the Computer

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