TODAY'S JOKES 3-28-03
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REMINDERS:
April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 4 days
Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 9 days
Tax Day Tue, Apr 15 - 18 days
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JOKES:
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When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.
"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."
"I don't understand," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs.
Hallinan, our appointment was tomorrow."
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Contrary to popular belief, most blondes do indeed know the value of a dollar. The other day a blonde from Atlanta had her car break down. The tow truck driver charged her $ 65.00 to take the car to the garage less than 10 miles away.
When she told her husband that evening, he said that the driver had taken advantage of her.
She said, "I thought so. But I made him earn it. I kept the brakes on all the way."
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Old Mike Clancy stayed too late at the pub and was taking a shortcut home through the cemetery. In his condition, he tripped over a footstone, and hit his head on a tombstone. Disoriented, he struck a match to get his bearings. He read the inscription: "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".
"Faith of me Christ", said Mike, "they've buried two men in the same grave."
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An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place to get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman, 'What the hell did you put on this pizza?' The deliveryman bows deeply and says, 'We put on the pizza what you ordered: 'pepper only'.'
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A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."
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A policeman on his beat in Portsmouth, found a sailor lying on the floor with blood all over his face.
He picked the young man up and said :
“Could you describe the man who hit you?” The sailor said : “That’s what I was doing when he hit me”
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In my husband's work for a cable-television company, he encounters illegal hookups that drive up costs for other customers. One day he arrived at a repair job just as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed the way to the den, where the TV was located, and then walked out to get the mail.
As my husband approached the TV, he saw a note taped to the screen.
It read: "Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes. Love, Tom."
(From Reader's Digest)
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
While chatting with the bartender the man says: "I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day."
"Really?!" says the bartender, "How?"
"Very simple. Just pour full glasses."
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The 15-year-old daughter brought home a young Naval Aviator to meet her parents. During dinner, the pilot happened to mention that he was from Glen Burnie.
The Mother said, "What a coincidence. My husband and I lived there 18 years ago when we were first married."
The pilot got a strange look on his face and changed the topic of conversation. The daughter fell strangely silent.
After he left, the teen said, "Thanks a LOT Mom. I told him I was 18. Now I'll have to tell him that I was illegitimate."
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There's a new toy on the market called the Billy doll. It's being advertised as the first openly gay doll for sale in America. And the doll is anatomically correct. Boy, that's gotta be driving Barbie nuts, don't ya think? Finally a male doll with something "down there," and he turns out to be gay.
Isn't that every woman's nightmare?
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Paddy visited his parents the day after his wedding. His father took him aside and asked, "How did it go last night, son?"
Paddy winked and elbowed his dad. "Gee, great. You know, the way she was acting, I think I could have screwed her."
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A Painful Case of Auto Eroticism London A tiny sports car leaves a lot to be desired as a midnight trysting spot two secret lovers have learned. Wedged into a two- seater, a near-naked man was suddenly immobilized by a slipped disc, trapping his woman companion beneath him, according to a doctor writing in a medical journal here.
The desperate woman tried to summon help by honking the horn with her foot. A doctor, ambulance man, firemen and a group of passers-by quickly surrounded the couple's car in Regents Park. "The lady found herself trapped beneath 200 pounds of pain-racked, immobile man." said Dr. Brian Richards. '"To free the couple, firemen had to cut away the car frame," he added. The distraught woman helped out of the car and into a coat, sobbed, "'How am I going to explain to my husband what has happened to his car?"
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There was once a general store in central Kansas back around
1900. The owner was an elderly man who went to church for a long time. The store always had those two or three "older gentlemen"
that you always see on the front porch talking about "the war" or how it used to be. Anyway, this certain store owner had the habit of quoting Scripture every time he made a transaction, and it was always a different verse. It got to where the old men on the porch came in every time a customer showed up just to hear what the verse was going to be. Well, one day, a Texan came in and inquired about the rug that was hanging on the wall. The man asked about the price of the rug, and the owner told him $400.
But, the owner and the old men all knew that the true worth was about $200. So the Texan thought it over and said, "I'll take it!" He bought the rug and left the store.
The old men stared at the owner in anticipation of what possible Scripture could follow such a dishonest act. The owner said, "He was a stranger, and I took him in."
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Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why, Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
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The 13-year-old had a beau, but it seemed he hung out at her house more for the food than romance.
One afternoon the girl told her mother, "Harry seems more interested in food than me. Is there any kind of perfume that smells like peanut butter?"
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Traveling through New England a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What type of town is this?" he asked the station attendant.
"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."
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It's 2:00 in the morning and the traveling salesman calls the front desk at his motel and asks for some female company but with certain physical characteristics.
"She's got to be taller than 6 ft. and weigh no more than 100 pounds," he tells the desk clerk. 30 minutes later, there's a knock on his door and he opens it to see a tall, lithe young lady.
"I'm here for your pleasure, sir," she says.
"What do you weigh and how tall are you?"
She replies, "6'2 and 97 pounds."
"Perfect," he says. "Now take off all your clothes and get down on all fours on the floor."
As she does this, he walks to the bathroom door, opens it and ushers in a big St. Bernard dog.
The dog looks at the girl and the girl looks at the dog and the salesman says, "Now Fritz, do you see what you're going to look like if you don't finish your dinner?"
Women are just like orange juice cartons.
Its not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those f*cking flaps to open!
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What's the definition of "relative humidity"?
That's the sweat running down the crack of your ass as you're screwing your sister-in-law.
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck .....and the Computer
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