TODAY'S JOKES 3-27-03
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REMINDERS:
April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 5 days
Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 10 days
Tax Day Tue, Apr 15 - 19 days
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JOKES:
..........
A true story.
My Sister-in-law is the chief EMT in a small town in Southern Indiana. She was on duty one night when there came a call of a "domestic disturbance". The custom was that an ambulance was dispatched to accompany all of these calls received by the police. She arrived just behind the policeman. When they got out of their vehicles, a woman's voice could be heard screaming from inside the back of the house.
The policeman broke open the front door, and the screaming intensified. As they ease their way through the house to the master bedroom the screaming kept getting louder and louder. When they opened the bedroom door, the first thing they saw as a naked woman, spread eagle on the bed and tied hand and foot to the four corners of the bed. The lady saw the policeman and my sister-in- law, and shut up, and then started babbling. At this point my sister-in-law was the first to see him.
Laying at the foot of the bed, was a naked man, dressed only in a Batman cape and head piece. He was unconscious and bleeding from a wound above his left eye. When he was rolled over, he was recognized as the mayor, and the lady was not his wife. When it was sorted out, they were participating in some sex role playing.
And, when the mayor got up on the end of the bed, he had been struck in the head by the ceiling fan, knock unconscious, the lady though he had been killed, and had started screaming because she did not want to lay there forever.
The mayor begged, pleaded, and ordered that no one talk. But, a few days later when he stopped in to a local dinner for breakfast, the customers began humming the Batman theme.
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Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time. He told his wife that she should start thinking of names.
"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"
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A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
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A new recruit was sitting idly in the barrack room. A passing officer saw him and barked : "You're no longer a civilian. What was your job before you were called up?"
"I ran a shop, sir", the recruit replied.
"Did you employ people?"
"Yes, sir, twenty."
"What would you have done if you had caught them doing nothing?"
"I would have sacked them immediately", the soldier said hopefully.
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A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says.
"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".
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Harry, a TV repairman, was called to fix a television set that had neither sound nor picture. Left alone in the room, Harry spotted the cause immediately: the set was unplugged.
Harry faced a dilemma: one part of him said he shouldn't charge the woman; the other insisted he be paid for his time.
Finally, he presented her with a minimum-charge service bill, which read: "Restored isolated connecting cable to primary power source. $25."
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A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech. Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"
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Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local tavern. He knew he had a long walk home, so though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery. Paddy staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when he hit bottom. Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized where he was-- and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day-- and I'm the first one up!"
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The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
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"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
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A fight broke out between a couple redneck locals and a lone biker at closing time in the local watering hole. After easily laying out the drunken hillbillies the biker heard someone behind him! So he swung around and landed a devastating kick to the groin, realizing too late that it was only the barmaid picking up empty glasses.
When the case went to court, the judge asked, "Are you the woman alleging she was kicked in the altercation?"
To which she answered, "I ain't never had no alteration!
These is all my 'riginal parts."
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The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the regulars. So to put an end to all the boasting, Fred says, "whip 'em out". Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar, at the same time a gay guy walks into the bar.
Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get for him.
The gay guy replies "I was going to just have a beer, but I'll check your buffet first".
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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot break- fast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after
3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
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The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht.
They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this.
Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page photos, of the event.
The banner headline is: "Bush Can't Swim."
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Burglars broke into a bank after hours and found one lone teller trying to balance his books.
After forcing him to open the vault, they tied and gagged him. Quickly tossing all the cash into a duffel bag, they were about to leave when they heard the teller making noises through his gag.
Curious, they loosened it and asked what he was trying to say, "Take my balance sheet too," he gasped, "I'm short $70."
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The temperature had taken an overnight plunge, and Minnesota reaffirmed its reputation as one of the nation's coldest states.
Despite a wind-chill of minus 40, we steelworkers erecting a TV tower in a Minneapolis-St. Paul suburb showed up for work.
By 9 a.m., a tall Texan climbed down from the tower and entered the office trailer. He took his lunch pail from the shelf and headed for the door.
"What's up?" the foreman asked. "You sick?"
"Nope," the Texan replied. "Goin' home to get my jacket."
"Where's home?" the foreman persisted.
"Dallas," he said.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer
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