TODAY'S JOKES 3-26-03
********************

REMINDERS:

April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 6 days

Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 11 days

Tax Day Tue, Apr 15 - 20 days
****************
JOKES:
..........
A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.

The man looked her over and calmly said.
"You don't scare me, I married your sister."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

"If I take them out of the car I lose them,"
she reasoned.

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
** PICK ON WOMEN DAY **


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified:
"Wife Wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A man is recently separated from his wife, and gets drunk. It's the dead of winter and he staggers to their house and starts pounding on the door.

After about fifteen minutes, she finally opens a window and asks what he wants.

"Honey! I'm half froze, can't I stay here tonight?"

"Yes, of course. I thought you wanted to come in!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.

Police suspect a cereal killer.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A guy from the deep south moves to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements.

As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one?
I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds?"

"And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap...
see the fish eyes and the rice in it?"

"And this next one is surely from a queer."

The hick askes, "How can you tell it was from a queer?"

The inspector answers, "Well see: It's dented on one end!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Ready for Lent?


John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"So," the woman asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out of the way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed the woman's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating." Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am."
replied the sleuth, " It's pretty clear that he was following you!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may beging plowing."

Twenty minutes later another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars return to class."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Our Army physical-training program requires us to run two miles every other day in platoon formation.
Being somewhat older than the other soldiers, I have trouble running faster than a ten- minute mile. During a recent run, I was finding it difficult to complete the two miles without stopping, so I raised my hands high above my head to expand my diaphragm and gain my second wind. Suddenly I heard a voice from behind me say, "Forget it, sergeant, we don't take prisoners."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Israel. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"

"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
In A Perfect World

A person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.

You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.

Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.

Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.

Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.

People always have good reasons to be optimistic.

You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.

The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.

Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.

If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but also he'd do it.

First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.

All people could expect to be accepted.

Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."

Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.

The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.

Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.

More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife.

The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out.

Well," the man began, "I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.' Then I asked her 'why ?' She replied, 'Because I love you'."
*********************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!!!
Chuck ......and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...

http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm

The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom

Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com

95 %, The highest Network Payout in the history of MLM. $95 out of $100!
$50.00 fast start bonus on every sale you make, including the first one!
Check: it out at:
http://www.goupp.com/power95/ch795

"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7 Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:

http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053

Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html