TODAY'S JOKES 3-25-03
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REMINDERS:

April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 7 days

Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 12 days

Tax Day Tue, Apr 15 - 21 days
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JOKES:
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One St. Patrick's Day, an Irishman and his leprechaun went to the local bar to celebrate. The Irishman sat at one end of the bar, placed the leprechaun up on the bar, and ordered a green beer for each of them.

After finishing the first beer, the little leprechaun walked across the top of the bar down to the other end and went "PFFFFFFFT!!!", squirting fluid from his cheeks onto the face of an Englishman sitting there. The leprechaun then ran as fast as he could back down to the other end of the bar to rejoin the Irishman.

The Irishman ordered two more green beers, and when they had finished those the leprechaun went back down the top of the bar to the other end, went "PFFFFFFFT!!!" again into the Englishman's face, and scampered back down to the Irishman.

The Englishman wiped his face off, pulled out a knife, and said, "If that little f**ker tries that again, I'm going to cut his dick off!"

"You can't do that," said the bartender.
"That's a leprechaun.
Leprechauns don't have dicks."

"Oh yeah? Well, if leprechauns don't have dicks, then how do they piss?"

"PFFFFFFFT!!!"
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A drunk walked up to a parking meter and put in a quarter. The dial went to 60. He said, "How about that. I lost 100 pounds."
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When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.
One evening, she banged her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.

I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.

She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."
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On her first morning delivering newspapers, my daughter was riding with her supervisor who was showing her some tricks of the trade. He proceeded to demonstrate how to throw a newspaper accurately. "Now remember," he warned, "it's 5:30 in the morning, so you don't want to make a big ruckus.
This customer likes his paper right on his front porch." The supervisor then hurled the paper toward the house. It landed on the customer's car and set off the alarm.
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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
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NEWS FLASH!!!
The Death of The Energizer Bunny Shocks the World!!!

Know best for, "Going and going and going..."
passed away last evening at 12:42 am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning,the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.
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A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst traveling at over
100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?"

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?"
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A friend of mine has a daughter who started out as a psych major then switched to English Lit. After that, she tried pre-law, which was followed by international affairs, history, and at present, she's in philosophy. She may never graduate, but she's unbeatable at the game called Trivial Pursuit.
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You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs:
Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength:
Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed.
Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1:
Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places.
If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2:
Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3:
(for use with multiple dogs)
Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4:
(alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms:
Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy.
Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate)
Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock.
Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination:
Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves:
After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate)
Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles:
Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.
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Don't Mess With Mom

My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today, The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say, I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want, And pierce my tongue &nose.
I can read &watch just what I like, and get tattoos from head to toes.

And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me, My body's only for my use, not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me, or I'll call Children's Services Division, better known as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro.

The next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him,"Pick out all you want, there's shirts &pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care if I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike, Airs.

And I've canceled that appointment to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned so I'll decide what's best.

I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions, favorite dish of mine.

He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room, you'll take the couch instead.
All the C.S.D. requires is a roof for over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now, and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike &roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights,"
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot,are you crying, and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C.S.D..?
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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me,"
said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.
"What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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