TODAY'S JOKES 3-24-03
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REMINDERS:
April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 8 days
Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 13 days
Tax Day Tue, Apr 15 - 22 days
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JOKES:
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Every morning Custer rode through the Indian Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout.
And every morning as he rode past the Indian chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally.
Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the significance of the horizontal one?".
The scout replied "Chief, him no like your horse either!"
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
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Three old women were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first one recalled shopping at the grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for
25 cents.
The second woman nodded, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a
20 cents a piece.
The third woman chimed in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about"
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MEN vs WOMEN
MEN AND WOMEN COMPARED NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
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SPINOFFS OF THE "I LOVE YOU VIRUS"
Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:
- The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
- The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
- The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
- The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
- The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.
- The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries to record all of its functions.
- The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
- The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
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A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
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An old man, walking down the street, saw a small boy sitting on the curb crying. He stopped and asked, "Little boy, why are you crying?" The little boy said, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys do."
So the old man sat down alongside of him and cried, too.
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"Just look at me," declared the robust oldtimer. "I don't smoke, drink or chase women and tomorrow I'll celebrate my eightieth birthday." "You will?" asked a curious friend. "How?"
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When my oldest son was around 4, we went to the county fair.
While there we were watching the Milking display wagon (A cow behind a glass window on a display wagon being milked by automatic milking machine). You could see the milk flowing to a container.
He watched intently for a minute, then looked up at me with his sincere 4 year old eyes, and asked, "
Where does the hamburger come out at dad?"
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There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
"I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape me unplundered."
This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, but nothing was to be found.
On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the guard, saying, "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live in peace. Please enlighten me.
What is it that you are stealing?"
The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
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An old man went to a local bordello on Saturday night, the busiest night of the week.
He asked for his favorite girl, but was told she was all booked up and wouldn't be available for some time.
"How about Molly or Sally or Denise?" the madam asked.
"No," he answered. "I want the girl I always get."
"Okay, Gramps, then how about Cookie or Mindy or Lulu?"
"Won't do," he said.
"Listen, Pops, what does this girl have that my other girls don't?"
asked the madam.
The old guy sighed. "A lot of patience. An awful lot of patience."
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I'm glad we have these VERY smart people working for our government.
Before I could start my first job right out of college, I had to present evidence that I was a U.S.
citizen. I showed up with my driver's license and birth certificate.
The clerk looked at my driver's license and copied down some information. She then picked up my birth certificate and gave it a long look. "Is anything wrong?" I asked.
"Yes," she said. "I can't find the expiration date."
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Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!
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I walked into my doctor's office this week.
The doc asked me why I was there. I replied, "It's my penis, Doc. I want you to take a look at it."
So, the doctor said, "Ok, get up on the bed and get it out. I'll have a look at it for you."
I got up on the bed and whipped out a twelve incher. The doc examined it for a few moments, then bemusedly said, "I gotta tell you, I don't see anything wrong with it."
I replied, "Yeah, I know. It's a freaking beauty, ain't it?"
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A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park.
Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother.
"But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
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Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the priest. "Father, I am sinful."
"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us.
Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father?......... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Priest was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
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An agriculture student said to a farmer:
"Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples."
"I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer
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