TODAY'S JOKES 3-21-03
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REMINDERS:
Spring Equinox Fri, Mar 21 - 0 days
April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 11 days
Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 16 days
Tax Day Tue, Apr 15 - 25 days
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JOKES:
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I'm planning to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.
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True Story:
My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.
A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are you fixed?"
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THE BUS
A workman who was extremely fond of garlic boarded a bus in a Southern city, and sat himself down next to a haughty, sour-faced woman. She immediately became aware of the garlic fragrance, and observed icily, "It's a wonder they don't run a special bus for persons who insist on eating garlic."
The workman cheerfully answered, "They do lady, you're on the wrong bus."
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Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."
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Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
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While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors.
A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."
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Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
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If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.
Most of my husband's early films ended with a scream and a flush.
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A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.
The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."
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Only in America... can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
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"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
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A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.
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Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey Sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "Stupid rookie, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
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Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
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Small Town USA
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."
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Bill: I finally quit smoking by using the patch.
Doug: Oh yeah?? I tried that but it didn't work for me.
Bill: Well the trick is that you gotta put them OVER your mouth.
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To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.
"Days are expensive. When you spend a day you have one less day to spend. So make sure you spend each one wisely." - Jim Rohn "When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein
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A colleague of mine in a rural school district in south Mississippi tells the following story.
I was giving out worksheets in an English class when one of my students raised her hand and said, "Mrs.
Mormon, there is an ugly word on this paper". Knowing this to be false I responded, "Honey, you must be mistaken. Which statement do you think has the ugly word?"
The student's reply was "Number five"
Statement number five read "My grandfather went to the garden to work with his new hoe."
A prompt discussion on garden utensils ensued.
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Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"
He says, "Hah, you be dumb! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States.
I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen." A couple of days later, Giuseppi comes to work and says, "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah stupid! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-ago to night school every night. I learn all about-a United States history, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi... you so-a smart, you know who Fishlips Picollini is?"
Giuseppi says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Picollini is?"
The guy yells back, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer
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