TODAY'S JOKES 3-20-03
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REMINDERS:
Spring Equinox Fri, Mar 21 - 1 days
April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 12 days
Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 17 days
Tax Day Tue, Apr 15 - 26 days
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JOKES:
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"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word "peace."
Right idea, wrong president." - Jay Leno
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A former Marine was now working for UPS, He and his wife bought their 4 year old son two stuffed bears, one in a UPS uniform, the other in full Marine dress. The boy was happy for the gift, but appeared a bit confused. So his father dug out an old photo of himself in his Marine uniform and showed it to him.
"See Ronnie, this is daddy." he said pointing to the photo, and then to the bear.
The boy looked from the picture to the bear and back again, then asked, in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear??"
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"Counter-terrorism experts say that Osama bin Laden may be hiding secret messages on pornographic websites. You know what that means ... Clinton could find this guy before Bush." - Jay Leno
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In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-
25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well." "Why is that?"
Asked the professor.
"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old."
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"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'" - Robin Williams
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True story:
One day while we were studying the solar system in my fifth-grade class one of the students posed an intriguing question about comets. Because I like to show the class that learning is a fun, lifelong process, I told the young gal, "That's an excellent question. I don't know the answer. I wonder where we could find out."
Her response was sincere disbelief. "You don't know? I thought teachers were supposed to know
*everything*!"
A slow grin crept over my face as I prepared to give my "learning is a life-long process" speech. But before I could get a word out a student from across the room blurted out, "Yeah, but he's only a fifth-grade teacher."
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A cattleman from West Texas died and went on to the Great Beyond.
As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."
"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter...
and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"
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"Today more al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners were flown to Guantanomo Bay in Cuba. On the plane they are bound, sedated and chained to their chairs - or, as Continental calls it, coach."
- Jay Leno
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"Bush is in Germany. A hundred-thousand Germans are protesting because they don't like the idea of the U.S. expanding the war.
Here's how it works: the Germans don't like any war that they don't start." - David Letterman
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"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
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The 2000 member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church.
They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
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Overheard.....Jay Leno:
The host of the Tonight Show has had lots to say about the French.
Here are a few of his zingers:
"The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well, Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France."
(From a few summers ago) "France is now being hit by an extreme heat-wave, so the French government is advising its citizens to "stay indoors and do nothing". You know, like they did in WW II."
Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
------- In 1966 upon being told that Charles DeGaulle had taken France out of NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French soil President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk: Ask him about the cemeteries Dean!
So at end of the meeting Dean did ask DeGaulle if his order to remove all U.S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldiers buried in France from World War I and World War II.
DeGaulle never answered.
~Unknown
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No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care. But she never gives up hope. While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window. "Look," she whispered, "death row."
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That's The jokes for today...
Have a GOOD one...
Chuck .......and the Computer
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