TODAY'S JOKES 3-19-03
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REMINDERS:
Spring Equinox Fri, Mar 21 - 2 days
April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 13 days
Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 18 days
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JOKES:
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The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
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The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU!"
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy!
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The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall,"
responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, George?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
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Billy and Joey were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Joey asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"
"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms".
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Jill is sitting in the doctor's office when the doctor came in and said, "Jill, this isn't a urine sample you brought in. It's apple juice."
"Oh my god" Jill said, "I've got to get to a phone."
"Why?" asked the doctor.
"I may have packed the other bottle in Johns lunch box."
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Doug and Tammy were expecting their first child and had a basic question to ask their Doctor ...
Their Doctor was an old timer and had been around the block a few times...and by this time had probably heard everything!
Doug turned to the Doctor and asked, "So Doc, is there a time when...errr we...errr....hmmmm...should....you know....stop doing it?"
To which the Doctor replied, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"
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Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the united nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash?
We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For cryin' out loud, they can't find the dirty clothes hamper. They can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor. And these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? They probably couldn't find them if they were lying in the middle of a dusty street with a picture of Saddam aiming a rifle in the air taped on the side!
I keep wondering why groups of women weren't sent in, preferably mothers. After all, mothers know that their boys can't find their socks or underwear when they're neatly folded in their dresser drawers, so how could they be expected to find hidden biological weapons?
On the other hand, mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. What we need over there are women like my mother. My mother could find the old olive bottles filled with dimes that dad stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. She could sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away.
She always knew when the lid of the cookie jar had been disturbed, and I swear she must have dusted for prints on the roll of salami that was always in the refrigerator. She knew if a slice had been removed and by whom.
I developed her ability to stalk out criminal activity when my kids were at home. They couldn't get away with much that I didn't know about. They still think they got away with a lot, but actually I always knew what they were doing, and if I decided that what they were doing was not too important or dangerous, I allowed them to think they were getting away with it. It was important for them to think they have an uncanny ability to pull the wool over mom's eyes occasionally.
But male inspectors? Going after Saddam? Now I know that our country has gone mad. Those inspectors will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats.
They will try to use science to find chemicals. These men, dressed in their pretentious jumpsuits, carrying their bulging briefcases, will barge into palaces and hovels, look around and then officiously announce, "all clear."
But if mothers were sent in, they wouldn't need body suits, briefcases or science. Mothers would go in, charge up to Saddam and, with their hands on their hips, demand, "Do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" and they could tell in an instant whether he was lying or telling the truth.
And mothers would be quite capable of finding his cache no matter how cleverly he thought it was hidden.
God help him once it was found; he would be chastised until he begged for mercy. He wouldn't be given a "time-out"; he would get an old fashioned butt- kicking by women who are adept at butt-kicking. And by the time these women finished with Saddam, he would be sitting in the middle of a dusty road with a limp rifle and a stunned look on his evil face.
Come on guys -- send in the women -- and have it done and over with!
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Five mornings a week, my husband goes to the health club, gets on the stair-stepper, sets the timer, and buries his nose in a book.
Recently, he noticed an amazingly fit middle-aged woman who seemed to run circles around everyone, took few breaks, and rarely even broke a sweat.
"It's not fair," he complained. "By the time I'm dragging myself off to the showers, she's hopping back onto the stepper for another session."
One day he came home with a sheepish grin. "Well," he said, "they're identical twins."
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General Motors doesn't have a "help line"
for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery?
Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
--------------------------------------- HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
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Bill asks Jim to go with him for a drink.
Jim replies, "Sorry Bill, I have to go to the drugstore to pick up a 'patch' subscription for my wife. She's quitting smoking today."
"Oh okay, well, good luck to her!" Bill said.
"Yeah, well it is really lucky me," grinned Jim. "I told her to let me know any time she has an urge to put something in her mouth to suck on."
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A man walks into a restaurant and explains to the manager that he's from the mental hospital up the street. He says he would like to bring a group of the better-adjusted patients in for a meal, as part of their socialization process. The manager says that would be fine, he's always glad to support the local community. "Fine", says the visitor, "but one other thing. We don't allow the patients to have money, so they all carry bottle caps. They will offer these for payment, just take them and I'll settle with you afterwards". The manager agrees, and they set a date.
The patients come in, order, enjoy their meal, are extremely polite to the wait staff, and when they leave, thank the manager and give him large handfuls of bottle caps.
The manager tells the man from the hospital how pleased he is, and presents him the bill. He looks at it and says "That's a little more than I expected, you got change for a manhole cover?"
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On a recent vacation at a resort with my in-laws, we planned to spend an afternoon at the pool with our kids. We wanted to bring our own drinks, but were unsure of the hotel's policy.
My brother-in-law called the front desk, and assuming everyone was familiar with the brand of ice chest he had, asked if it was all right if he brought a Playmate to the pool.
After a pause, the clerk asked, "Does she have her own towel?"
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After several disastrous attempts to synchronize his own and his wife's libido with the delayed-action effects of Viagra, Tom the Bus Driver was delighted to hear about a new product called Now!-Agra. Each pill came with strict instructions; 'To be taken only immediately before sex'.
So Tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for some satisfactory action - and arranged to be home by six that evening. Whilst he was finishing his day's work she had a long soak in luxurious bubble bath, listened to her favorite records, and was truly relaxed and ready when the clock struck six.
When he wasn't home by eight she was really teed off, and by nine she was beginning to worry...
Tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking absolutely shattered.
"What happened?"
"Well, I got back to the depot on time and the Inspector asked me to park the bus at the back of the garage. I thought a few minutes wouldn't make any difference so I said yes. Then I took out the pill, and somehow, after all our other problems, I thought I ought to give it time to 'kick in'. So I took it there and then..."
"And..."
"And I've only just managed to get out from under the steering wheel..."
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I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer
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