TODAY'S JOKES 3-18-03
********************

REMINDERS:

Spring Equinox Fri, Mar 21 - 3 days

April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 14 days

Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 19 days
****************
JOKES:
..........
A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains and got together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop".

One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a seven day experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it......................

It's now seven days later and they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first.

"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip.

In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers ....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me.
So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed.
He's in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says: "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy creatures."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29. She said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward."

"$4.83?? For a $4.29 meal?? That's 54 cents tax!? That can't be right," my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville, Alabama and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus
1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max.

I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves.
Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago.

I didn't have my calculator watch (I lost it a while back) so I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me. Let's see ... 483/429 ...
over 12 percent tax!? When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said "what's the sales tax in Huntsville?" She didn't know. I said "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right. Can I talk to the manager?" She gave me my change and called the manager.

So the manager comes over. I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that's over 12 percent sales tax.

She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size (biggie upgrade was 35 cents - which would be 4.64 plus tax which would put it over $5). She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.

"HA!" I thought to myself. "Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me!"

So what did this mathematical wizard do next? I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off without my food.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Many of the world's greatest runners come from Kenya because they have a unique training program there -- it's called a lion.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Farmer John has three sons.


One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with him, that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says,"This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."

The boy was not too happy, but he understood and said, "Ok,Dad."

A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike. Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the tractor is paid for...."

Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, 'old dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself.

His dad says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that."

The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that DAMN TRACTOR IS PAID OFF!!!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
True Story~
My daughter taught my 3 year old grandson to be polite. After her friend gave him a haircut, she prompted Tyler, " What do you say to Wes for cutting your hair? " Not liking his first buzz cut, he hung his head and said softly " I forgive you ".
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
THE MODERN LITTLE RED HEN

Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat. She called her neighbors and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"
"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.
"Then I will," said the little red hen. And she did. The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
"Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread.
"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how,"
said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.
"Then I will," said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for her neighbors to see.
They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I can eat the five loaves."
"Excess profits]" cried the cow.
"Capitalist leech]" screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights]" yelled the goose.
And the pig just grunted. And they painted "unfair" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be greedy."
"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
"Exactly," said the agent. "That is the wonderful free enterprise system. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide their product with the idle."
And they lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful. I am grateful."

But her neighbors wondered why she never again baked any more bread.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with.
He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."

The dean replied, "He can hang out with the faculty."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Parenthood

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.

The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.

Parents: Are People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

There are only two things a child will share willingly:
communicable diseases and his mother's age.

Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

There is the Law of Gravity - and then, there is the Law of Parenthood...

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A Mommy Moment (from my mother's calendar)

Five-year-old Ellie was distraught and came running in the house. "Mommy! Jack and Allen told me how babies were born. It can't be the way they said. It doesn't sound right." "What did they say?" her mom Cassy asked. The little girl replied, "They said you go to the hospital and order one.
I thought you had to take what they gave you."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.
He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.
Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior.

"Now," he said, "are there any questions?"

One girl stood up timidly. " Please sir,"
she asked," May we have our teacher back?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came up to the driver and said "I've been molested!"

The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to go sit back down.

10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of wackos - who'd molest them?

10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees in the aisle.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?"

"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I grabbed it, it ran away..."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown.

Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn't reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.

I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker."

"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A relative was visiting in San Antonio and being shown the town by his cousin. "What's that statue over there ?" he asked.

"That boy is a Texas Ranger. He killed
146 Apaches in single- handed combat and broke up 27 riots during his career.

Not to be outdone, the Bostonian said, "Well, we had some heros too -- Paul Revere, for instance..."

"Oh!" smirked the Texan, "You mean that fella who had to ride for help."
**********************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..........and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...

http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm

The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom

Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com

95 %, The highest Network Payout in the history of MLM. $95 out of $100!
$50.00 fast start bonus on every sale you make, including the first one!
Check: it out at:
http://www.goupp.com/power95/ch795

"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7 Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:

http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053

Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html