TODAY'S JOKES 3-17-03
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REMINDERS:
St. Patrick's Day Mon, Mar 17 - 0 days
Spring Equinox Fri, Mar 21 - 4 days
April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 15 days
Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 20 days
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JOKES:
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A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written:
"The last five are pretty risky, too."
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When my son was in third grade, his teacher asked him to spell "straight." He did so correctly.
"Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"
"Without water," he replied.
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Some guys in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of them walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
asked the clerk.
The fellow replied, "Um, I'll have to check with the rest of the boys." He went out to his truck and within a few minutes returned to the clerk stating, "Yep, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright," replied the clerk. "How long do you need them?"
He stood there scratching his head while pondering this question and replied, "Well, um, a long time. We're gonna build a house."
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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
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5 REASONS COMPUTERS ARE MALE (from a female point of view)
1) They have LOTS of data, but are still clueless
2) The lights are on but nobody's home
3) A better model is just right around the corner
4) To get their attention, you have to turn them on
5) SIZE DOES MATTER
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True Story:
The woman in a gingham dress and the man in a homespun suit got off the train in Boston and made their way to the office of the president of Harvard University. They did not have an appointment. They entered the outer office where the secretary looked at them with disdain, taking in the gingham dress and homespun suit.
"What can I do for you?" she snapped.
"We wish to see the president" the man said quietly.
"He's busy all day" she snapped again.
"We'll wait" said the man.
Hours passed, and the secretary began to fidget. "These people had no right to be here taking up valuable time."
Finally she could stand it no more and doing the chore she always regretted, she interrupted the president of Harvard University.
"Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him.
He sighed in exasperation and nodded.
Someone of his importance obviously didn't have time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard.
He was happy here. But, about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."
The president wasn't touched...He was shocked.
"Madam, he said gruffly, "we can't put up a statue to every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."
"Oh no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."
The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now. The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own.?
Her husband nodded.
The presidents face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto , California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing.
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Catching her in the act, I confronted our
3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded.
"No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."
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Once while waiting in the car for my wife to come out of the grocery store, I noticed a new black Jeep park across from me. I always notice vanity plates and try to figure out their sometimes hidden meanings and this one stumped me for quite some time. The licence said "BAA BAA". Then it hit me....BAA BAA BLACK JEEP!!
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SIGN ON A GAS PUMP
Turn off engine while fueling. (At these prices, you'll burn it up faster than you can pump it.)
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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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A husband and wife were playing golf on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need some help"
she said. The husband ran off saying "I'll go get help". A little while late he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, still on the ground, raised up her head and asked "I may be dying and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he would come and help." "The second hole?" she replied "When is he coming?" "Hey! I told you not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
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Stockholm - Dead people are increasingly going out with a bang in Sweden and the trend is posing serious occupational hazards for crematorium workers, a Swedish church newspaper said. Kyrkans Tidning reported a growing number of explosions in caskets during cremations, sparked by undetected items including heart pacemakers, whose batteries ignite in the intense heat. Swedes have increasingly taken to cremation and the paper said next of kin and friends were adding to the problem by leaving explosive farewell tokens such as bottles of alcohol, ammunition cartridges and pieces of fireworks in the coffins. Silicon implants in women who had had cosmetic breast surgery were also known to have exploded during cremation.
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Did you hear about the guy who took his copy of Michael Jackson's Bad CD back to the store?
He complained because it had a picture of a black man on the front.
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An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
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Years ago, my older sister Sarah worked at a restaurant with a woman named Mary. Mary had a five-year-old boy, Charles. Now generally, Mary didn't swear in front of her son, but one day she slipped and said, "damn" about something.
So little Charles said, "Oooh, Mommy, you said a bad word. You need a fifteen-minute time out!" And Mary played along, saying, "Yes, honey, Mom said a dirty word and has to sit in the corner." Imagine her surprise when he smugly said, "Damn right!"
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Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.
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Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."
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Fairest Tax?
At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax,"
he said.
"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner. "Ay-ah,"
declared the man, "that's what I like about it."
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A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them."
"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."
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Marlene was telling a friend over lunch that she had given all her beaus pet names that also served as a secret reminder of their sexual talents. As luck would have it, one passed by, and she called out,.... "Hey, Johnny Walker. How's it going baby?"
Her friend said, "Say. I happen to know that fellow, and his name is not Johnny Walker at all. Johnny Walker is a liquor."
"Damn!!! You've broken my secret code that quickly." said Marlene.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the Computer
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