TODAY'S JOKES 3-14-03
********************
REMINDERS:
St. Patrick's Day Mon, Mar 17 - 3 days
Spring Equinox Fri, Mar 21 - 7 days
April Fools' Day Tue, Apr 01 - 18 days
Daylight Saving Time Begins Sun, Apr 06 - 23 days
****************
JOKES:
..........
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her adult's class. After exploring the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our spouses?"
Without missing a beat one older man answered, "Thou shall not kill."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him my bills.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active. Joe Lieberman called to wish Kerry well. Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers. Bill Clinton called Mrs.
Kerry.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
In an interview, Cher claimed that at one point in her life, she was celibate for six straight years. And then she turned seven.
- Craig Kilborn
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough.
They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't give CBS an idea for another reality show. - Bill Maher
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Chadwick's girlfriend got a new job as a receptionist at the local sperm bank. One of her duties is to say to the donors as they are leaving: "Thanks for coming and come again!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
As they started the car for the long trip back into the city, Peter and Kate said their good- byes to their good friend, Jeff. "Thanks for putting us up for the weekend," said Peter. "The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed f#$king your wife."
Shortly after hitting the road, Kate turned to her husband and said, "I hope you weren't serious about f#$king his wife and enjoying it!"
"No, I wasn't serious," replied Peter, "she was lousy."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
BARKING DOG:
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:44 A.M. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 4:44 A.M., Bernard called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. Just called to say that I don't have a dog."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A guide was showing round a party of tourists.
"This castle has stood for 700 years and in that time not a stone of it has been touched, nothing has been altered, nothing repaired."
A woman at the back said : "He must have the same landlord as I've got."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man.
As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another
40 minutes. So did he.
I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.
"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly."I couldn't get out until you did."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The woman was wandering the supermarket isles, and frequently she would say "Crisco, Crisss-co." Hearing this, a clerk approached and informed her that the Crisco was on isle 7.
"Oh", she replied, "I'm not looking for the kind you cook with, I'm looking for my husband, and when we're in the market, I call him Crisco." "Well, said the clerk if you call him Crisco here in the market, what do you call him at home?"
"Lard-ass," the woman replied.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained.
The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
One day a man decide he would buy a bra for his wife. He went to the Department Store. A sales clerk asked if she could help him. He said that he would like to buy a bra for his wife. She asked if he knows what size his wife wore. He said, No! The clerk asked if she was the size of a watermelon? He said Lord, no. Is she the size of a grapefruit? Again he replied, no. Well, Is she the size of an orange? Again he answered, no.
Well is she the size of a lemon? Again he said, no.
Well, is she the size of an egg? He answered, Yeah, FRIED!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch.
Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is."
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her."
"You were perfectly right."
"You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
PERSONAL ADS
Women Seeking Men I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.
SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad.
Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.
Men Seeking Women Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.
Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommate's hair fall out.
Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF,
25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.
Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF with round, bulging bubble butt and pretty face with monogamous intentions, 28-40.
Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big house, pool.
SWM, 33, 6'0", 144 lbs. Better looking than Bill Gates.
*****************
That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck .........and the Computer
|
|
C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS
Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...
http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm
The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom
Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com
95 %, The highest Network Payout in the history of MLM. $95 out of
$100!
$50.00 fast start bonus on every sale you make, including the first
one!
Check: it out at:
http://www.goupp.com/power95/ch795
"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7
Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:
http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053
Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html