REMINDERS:

Chinese New Year Wed, Feb 9 - 0 days

Lincoln's Birthday Sat, Feb 12 - 3 days

NFL - Pro Bowl Sun, Feb 13 - 4 days

Daytona 500 - Sun, Feb 20 - 11 days

Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 21 - 12 days

Washington's Birthday - Tue Feb 20 - 14 days
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JOKES:
.......
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,"
replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
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"I can't understand how the cat came to have kittens," an old lady said to the vet.

"I never let her out and no other cats are allowed near her." The vet looked around and saw a large tom sitting by the fireplace.

"What about him? He asked.

"Oh, don't be silly," said the old lady. "That's her brother."
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SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE

It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

It scares you to drive the speed limit.

The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

You use cruise control at 25 mph.

You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober.
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My seven-year-old son had lost his second tooth during the night. My wife and I woke up early Saturday morning to his devastating news that it was nowhere to be found and a visit from the Tooth Fairy was in jeopardy. Between the sobs, we managed to obtain a rather lengthy explanation of his misfortune and the endless theories as to the whereabouts of the lost front tooth.

"Well, Jason," my wife explained, winking to me on the sly, "surely the Tooth Fairy would understand if you wrote her a note explaining what happened."

The tears were dried, and he wandered off to compose his letter. At two o'clock the following morning, as I tiptoed into his room with the expected two dollars, I found a small three-by-five-inch piece of paper pierced by the end of a coat hook beside his bed. It read simply: "Tooth lost. Please pay."
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I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive driver. I pointed out that if she's ever in an accident, the paper's gonna print her real age.
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It is cold here in New York City! It's like the winters we used to have. It was so nasty out today that hookers in Times Square were charging $50 just for a hug.

-David Letterman
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"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"


"What!? How could you?" screamed the Mother,"and just who is the father?"

The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,"How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"
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I just bought a cured ham. I wonder what it had?
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How To Tell If You're Over The Hill

You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You buy shoes with crepe rubber soles.

The only reason you're still awake at 2 A.M. is indigestion.

People ask you what color your hair used to be.

You enjoy watching the news.

Your car must have four doors.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You browse the bran cereal section in the grocery store.

You start worrying when your supply of Ben Gay is low.

You think a CD is a certificate of deposit.

You have more than 2 pair of glasses.

You read the obituaries daily.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.

If any of the above apply to you:

You Are Over The Hill
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A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pup for her birthday. An hour later, while wandering through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen floor.

"My pup," she murmured proudly, "runneth over."
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Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
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A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as: "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
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A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."

The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."
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Here's How The Professors Of Different Subjects Describe "A Kiss" In Different Ways:

Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular oris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.

Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable.

Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
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The only reason all those anti-drug bills keep getting passed is because most of us pro-drug people are too messed up to vote.

(Bill Fluharty)
*************************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

 

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