REMINDERS:

Chinese New Year Wed, Feb 9 - 1 days

Lincoln's Birthday Sat, Feb 12 - 4 days

NFL - Pro Bowl Sun, Feb 13 - 5 days

Daytona 500 - Sun, Feb 20 - 12 days

Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 21 - 13 days

Washington's Birthday - Tue Feb 21 - 14 days
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JOKES:
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Divorced and having lost her house, Karen managed to rent a cramped camper at the local RV park for herself and five-year-old Joshua. It was only a little better than living out of their car, and she wished with all her heart that she could provide more for her child.

One evening, after their ritual of giggling over a table game and reading stories, Karen sent her son outside to play until bedtime. She glanced out the window when she heard voices "Say Josh, don't you wish you had a real home?"
asked the campground manager. Karen tensed and held her breath as she leaned nearer the open window. A smile slowly spread across her face when she heard Joshua's response.

"We already have a real home," he said "It's just that we don't have a house to put it in."
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I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp--the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.

I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake.

And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."

"Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you."
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RULES FOR CUTTING YOUR OWN FIREWOOD:


1. Park twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall.

2. It helps to notch the tree away from the truck.

3. The fact that you live within driving distance of a forest does not make you a lumberjack.

4. Just to be on the safe side, always borrow your buddy's truck.
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In 1990, the federal government's General Accounting Office found that members of Congress using the House bank had bounced
4,325 personal checks during a six-month study. And these are the people we're counting on to balance the budget?
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A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked, when someone picked up the phone.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner.
"But.... I have a wife and eleven children."

"Huh? Is that a record?" she inquired.

"Well, I don't t-h-i-n-k so," replied the man, "but it's as close to one as I want to get."
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On some days, my head is filled with such wild and original thoughts that I can barely utter a word. On other days, the liquor store is closed.
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Tourists ask a lot of interesting questions as we travel among the Hawaiian Islands on my charter boat. Some people wanted to know, "Does the water go all the way around the island?"

Another asked, "How much farther until we're in the ocean?"

The one that made me want to jump overboard was, "Can you please take the boat closer to the sunset?"
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Did you hear about the Indian chief who traded in his forty year old squaw for two twenty year olds? A couple of weeks later a couple of fellow braves saw him back with his forty year old squaw.

They said, "What happened to your two twenty year olds?"

The Chief replied, "Me no wired for 220!"
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What is the difference between mass and weight?

Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on a Catholic.
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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
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A "not-so-smart" Ohio man is lucky to be alive after a dangerous "idea" went bad.

Stanley Whimper decided the easiest solution to starting his car on a cold Monday morning would be to run warm gasoline through his car by heating it up on his stove first.

He found out that "just a cup full" of fuel can explode and cause major damage to his kitchen and him suffer second and third degree burns.

Mr. Whimper later admitted his "warm the fuel idea" came from a cartoon he viewed on television that ended in a better result.
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Why It's Great To Be A Dog

1. No one expects you to take a bath every day.

2. Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner or anything else for that matter.

3. When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

4. If it itches, you can reach it.

5. And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.

6. It doesn't bother you if your favorite television show is a rerun.

7. You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive.

8. April 15 means nothing to you.

9. People at drive-through windows never charge you for treats.

10. Your friends don't think less of you for passing gas.

11. A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.

12. No one gets mad if you fall asleep while they're talking.

13. As an adult, it's OK if you haven't "amounted to anything" except being a dog.

14. The older you get, the more people respect you.

15. You can sleep late every day.

16. If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

17. You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap.

18. There's no such thing as bad food.

19. You don't have to worry about good table manners.

20. Someone else combs your hair.

21. People think you're normal if you stick your head out the window to feel the wind in your hair.

22. You're always excited to see the same old people.

23. Having big feet is considered an asset.

24. If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

25. Everything smells good to you.

26. A garbage can is a fast-food stop.

27. No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet.

28. No matter where you live, you own the place.

29. Your mate never complains because you whine.

30. Puppy love can last.
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A father brought his son into the doctor's because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying, "I just don't know how he did it!"

Finally the doctor managed to remove the little car, and the father and son left. A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "Now I know how he did it!"
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Has your girlfriend/wife put on a little weight over the Christmas period?

If so, encourage her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles again in the evening.

By the end of the week the cow will be 42 miles away.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ...... and the Computer
 

 

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