REMINDERS:

Chinese New Year Wed, Feb 9 - 2 days

Lincoln's Birthday Sat, Feb 12 - 5 days

NFL - Pro Bowl Sun, Feb 13 - 6 days

Daytona 500 - Sun, Feb 20 - 13 days

Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 21 - 14 days

Washington's Birthday - Tue Feb 21 - 15 days
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JOKES:
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Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to police the area.

I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, Dirty Magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been properly cleaned."
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It is terrible to grow old alone - my wife has not had a birthday in ten years.
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During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved.

"Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class."
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Clever sign posted in main public library: "A good book is never interrupted by a commercial."
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OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABIES

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea" Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.

Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island.
If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting.
Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
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While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand.
"If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."
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Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Honey," she said, "I don't like this place at all.
There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry," replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy our curtains."
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Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.

8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.

7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.

6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.

5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."

4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.

3. Your other girlfriend told you so.

2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.

1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"
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Four Marines are walking down the street.
When they see a sign that says "Veterans Bar"
they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini. He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 10 cents."
They can't believe their good luck. They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 10 cents."

This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"

The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for veterans. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything. They ask, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are some Army troops; they're waiting for happy hour."
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I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair.
Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.
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Once upon a time, an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower.
Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress.

"You'll never get away with this," she cried.
"Some brave knight will rescue me!"

"Not in that thing," the evil king replied.

She waited day and night, but it was just as the king predicted. Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her dress, which, as I've mentioned, was very disgusting.

After many months, the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"
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Announcing These New Book Releases

- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow
- "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty
- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung
- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud
- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter
- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples
- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath
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A telemarketer called one number, only to have the phone answered by a young boy. He asked the lad if he could speak to his father.

The lad replied his father was not home.

"Well, then, could I speak to your mother?"

"She's not home either." the lad replied.

"Okay then," asked the man, "who is home with you?"

The boy answered, "Just my brother."

"Alright then," the man replied, "may I speak with him?"

The lad said, "Yes," and went to get his brother.

After what seemed like a very long time, the boy came back and said that his brother could not come to the phone.

Exasperated, the man said, "Well, why not?"

The boy answered, "Because I can't get him out of his crib!"
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Confusion is one woman plus one left turn;

Excitement is two women plus one secret; Bedlam is three women plus one bargain; Chaos is four women plus one lunch check.
************************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ...... and the Computer
 

 

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