TODAY'S JOKES 2-7-03
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REMINDERS:
Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 17 - 10 days
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JOKES:
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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The nav replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the nav replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers asked why.
The worker yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch".
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The speaker at my bank's drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and we tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with our frustrated customers. One day a sweet elderly lady whom I would see every week pulled up to the window, leaned out, and smacked the glass in front of my face.
"I hope this is bulletproof," she yelled.
There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so I was touched by her concern. "It is," I yelled back.
"Good," she continued, "because someone is going to shoot you if you don't get that damn speaker fixed!"
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The bathtub was invented in 1850. The telephone was invented in
1875.
This might not seem like much, but if you had lived back then, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without being bothered by the phone.
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One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a com- munity service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."
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Taking Steps
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"
The student replied. "BIG ones."
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A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who should we notify in case of an accident?"
He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
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Ad found among the miscellaneous listing in the Stanwood/Camano, Washington News:
"Caution, homeowners between Warm Beach and Stanwood. Daughter will be learning how to drive. Use caution after leaving garage or porch.
Farmers advised to place hay bales around barns, farm equipment and slow-moving livestock. She will be driving white sedan with frightened father aboard."
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Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding to their respective elderly wives.
Jim said, with concern, "I'll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn't consummate my marriage last night."
"Oh, really," says Bob. "Well, I better see a therapist then - I didn't even think of it!"
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A man walked into a dress shop and told the clerk he wanted to buy an evening gown for his wife as a surprise.
"What size?" asked the clerk.
The man shrugged blankly.
Trying to help, the clerk inquired, "Well then, what are your wife's measurements?"
The man thought for a moment.
"Small, medium, and large, in that order."
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Drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, 'F*ck you?'"
The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, 'F*ck you.'"
"Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, "but I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot."
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Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.
When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches.
Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lions' cage.
"Bloody hell!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"
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When you're a parent you're a prisoner of war. You can't go anywhere without paying someone to come and look after your kids. In the old days, babysitters were paid about 50 cents an hour, and they'd steam clean the carpet and detail your car. Now they've got their own union. I couldn't afford it, so I asked my mother to come over. The sitters called her a scab and beat her up on the front lawn.
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There's a new product out for men who want to satisfy their woman in the great outdoors, but don't want to get chewed up by mosquitoes. It's a combination of Viagra & insect repellent. It's called "F*ck-Off"!!!
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I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers. Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal Revenue Service in error. So the I.R.S. operator asked me what number I had dialed. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood."
She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"
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The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children's Sunday school class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw a picture that would illustrate some part of the story. Little Bobby was most interested and drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat behind the wheel was a rather large man and in the back seat a man and a woman. The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson. But little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. "Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!"
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Grandmother's Meat Loaf
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf.
What could have gone wrong?"
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."
"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef' ..."
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In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. While she was ordering, another customer entered the store. She placed her order, turned and found herself face to face with Paul Newman. He was in town filming a movie. His blue eyes made her knees buckle. She finished paying and quickly walked out of the store, her heart still pounding.
Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her cone; she turned to go back in.
At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was coming out. He said to her, "Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?" Unable to utter a word she nodded yes.
"You put it in your purse with your change."
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck .........and the Computer
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