TODAY'S JOKES 2-4-03
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REMINDERS:
Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 17 - 13 days
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JOKES:
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A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
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I KNEW A BLONDE WHO WAS SO STUPID THAT...
..she called me to get my phone number ..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
..she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind ..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
..she thought a quarterback was a refund ..if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back ..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
..she tripped over a cordless phone ..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept ..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put "Sagittarius"
..it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes ..if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless ..she studied for a blood test ..she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center ..she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats ..she sold her car for gas money ..when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends ..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved ..she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill ..when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
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WEALTH, WISDOM OR BEAUTY?
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
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A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.
The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said, "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
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I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and control you.
I will make you ache, shake, 'n sweat until you groan...
All my love, The Flu
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There was once an old-time cowhand who ordered some toilet paper from a mail-order catalog. They wrote back and requested that he look in his catalog to give them the exact order number. He answered 'em right back and told them that if he had their catalog, he sure wouldn't need the toilet paper.
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A blackjack dealer and a player who had a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter brings me whatever I order.
. . . So I'll take an eight."
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A passenger on a train visited the dining car and ordered a bowl of soup.
When delivered, it had a fly in it and the outraged passenger wrote to the president of the railroad, expressing his dismay and vowing never to ride that railroad again.
Then he received a letter from the president, apologizing profusely, vowing that this was an unprecedented occurrence and explaining the steps that had been taken to insure it never happened again.
The passenger was almost persuaded until he discovered that the envelope also contained a small slip of paper containing his name and address and the handwritten notation: "Send this jerk the bug letter."
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Over a pleasant evening meal some friends and I were discussing going to the gym and the various effects of working out.
Somebody mentioned that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts"
for the "reasonable" cost of $6000.
I snickered, looked completely aghast and commented, "For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same result without surgery."
Rob replied, "For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer
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