REMINDERS:

NCAA March Madness Begins Tue, Mar 12 - 14 days

St. Patrick's Day - Fri, Mar 17 - 17 days

Spring Equinox - Mon, Mar 20 - 20 days
*********************
JOKES:
.......
A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too- talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago.
But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country. ~Steven Wright~
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
In the cafeteria on the first day of spring semester at Kent State University, I saw three students hard at work on their calculators.
Stunned that they had received such an obviously tough problem so early in the semester, I asked them what their assignment was.

One girl looked at me and replied, "We're figuring out how many days until spring break."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
An American tourist in Canada celebrated the President's Day by getting stone drunk. He became obnoxious and disorderly, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace.

"How do you plead?" the Judge asked.

"Not guilty!" replied the accused.

"How can you plead 'not guilty. You're drunker than a skunk," the judge said.

"Well, you see, it's like this, your honor. I was only following orders. When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY. And that's what I did."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Does your brother have a job?"


"He works at the hospital as a night orderly."

"Oh, a pan-handler, huh"?
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
You know you've reached adulthood when 6 a.m. is the time you get up, not when you go to bed.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The ability to witness two men stand toe to toe in the spirit of sportsmanship and pummel each other into insensibility is what separates us from the animals.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Some Great Malapropisms..."


"I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder."

"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"

"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...."

"I used to be as sharp as a button."

"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."

"If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave."

"You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Bush has surrounded himself with smart people the way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The Late Show with J. Letterman Carson!!


We got a wild crowd tonight. You sound like you might be upset over some cartoons.

Actually, we have a guest cartoonist from Denmark on our show tonight and...where's everybody going?

Are you watching the Olympics? Nobody?

First Michelle Kwan withdrew from the figure-skating competition and now Dick Cheney has withdrawn from the shooting competition.

You're the first to know. He didn't bother with the press.

I was watching some replays on NBC and..you know.. starting to really get into the slow-motion action when I heard the announcer mention something about the snow here in Utah. How old are these replays?

Did you hear the Saddam tapes? Those from the '90's? Apparently he was once accidentally shot by Dick Cheney and slapped by Tony Blair for not doing his homework.

And that cackling in the background..Chemical Ali!

Did you hear that Lou Ferrigno, the Hulk, is now a police officer in Los Angeles? He's promised to try and control his temper but only if people will leave off that old joke about him eating Bill Bixby.

Biggest surprise at the Winter Olympics? I think it has to be Ted Williams winning the Luge without a sled.

Goodnight Ladies and gentleman.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference fee includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet, my sister Betty rushed him to the emergency room. "He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two." "How will I be sure?" she pressed. "Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
After the service a woman went to the preacher, "Pastor, I hope you don't take it personal that my husband walked out during your sermon."

"Oh, I'm so glad you told me that, because it upset me terribly," said the preacher. "What caused him to leave, if I may ask?"

"Oh he's been sleepwalking since he was a little kid."
************************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GREAT day!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...

http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm

The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom

Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com

"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7 Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:

http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053

Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html