REMINDERS:
St. Patrick's Day - Thu, March 17 - 17
Spring Equinox - Sun, March 20 - 20 days
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JOKES:
.......
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our
first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and
were now worried about meeting other payments. We were discussing our sad
financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change.
As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in
the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
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My husband Ronnie volunteered to strip the bricks from the exterior of my
parent’s house.
One morning he was out front chipping away when a man came by looking for my
father.
"He's not here," Ronnie said.
The man thanked him, watched him remove a few more bricks, and said, "I'll bet
next time they'll leave the key for you."
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Bizarre Foreign Mistranslations into English
In a Belgrade elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing
floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
A doctor's office in Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
On a menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with
cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers
beaten up in the country people's fashion.
A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire: If you are unable to leave your
room, expose yourself in the window.
Ad for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride your own ass?
In a Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.
A temple in Bangkok: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed like a man.
Car rental brochure in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the
horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage
then tootle him with vigor.
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CALL CENTER ENQUIRIES
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need
to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before
cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when
I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff, please."
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland."
Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please."
Operator: "Where are you calling from?"
Caller: "The living room"
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write
the number on."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the
'OK' button displayed.?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I
need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back
again?"
British Rail Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?"
Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free."
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to
enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Center."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."
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You might be a public school teacher if --
1. You want to slug the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20
and have summers free."
2. You believe "unbelievably annoying" should have its own box in the report
card.
3. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the
kids sure are mellow today."
4. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do
not know and correct their behavior.
5. You reflect that marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much
easier.
6. You think people should be required to spend two years teaching middle school
before being allowed to reproduce.
7. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
8. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.
9. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
10. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid
like this?"
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Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old
Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he
had acted in an unsportsmanlike-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost
my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest
said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's
players in the in a sensitive area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve.
"Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
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Since I worked at a supermarket checkout, my hobby was to guess what each
customer would be preparing according to the ingredients they bought. "Blueberry
muffins for breakfast tomorrow?" I asked a young lady.
"Well, they're blueberry-cranberry-ginger muffins," she replied, and then went
on to explain the unique recipe was sent to her from a friend who lived far
away. Seeing my look of skepticism, she left, saying: "I'll tell you what. If
they turn out, I'll bring you the recipe; if they don't, I'll bring you the
muffins."
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WARNING BE AWARE
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.
What happens is that when you stop for a redlight a young, nude woman comes up
and pretends to be washing your windshield.
While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything
in the car.
They are very good at this.
They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on
Sunday.
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If you want a happy marriage, don't raise a stink about your partner's passing
of gas.
According to L.A.-based social psychologist Hank Stewart, the happiest couples
are those who don't make a stink with their partner flatulence.
It's not that the gas is good. Stewart says couples that are pro- pooter are
simply more at ease with each other -- and that is good for any relationship.
She figures a woman who feels comfortable enough to burp and blow wind in front
of her sweetie is probably secure in the relationship and won't ask, "Do you
think I'm fat?" every two seconds. And guys won't feel commitment-phobic if he
can bust a butt buzzer in front of a gal who responds, "Good one, honey."
This is why you should just go ahead and fart on the first date... to see if its
worth all the trouble.
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Jill's car was involved in three minor accidents over several years. Each time
she had a different part of the car repaired. The last time, she asked what it
would cost to repaint the front end---the only portion not yet touched.
The mechanic suggested, "Why don't you just paint a bulls-eye on it?"
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Comeback lines
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I
never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you? SHE: It's hot!!!
HE: I'd go to the ends of the world for you! SHE:
Okay, but would you stay there?
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
************************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer
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