REMINDERS:

NCAA March Madness Begins Tue, Mar 12 - 15 days

St. Patrick's Day - Fri, Mar 17 - 18 days

Spring Equinox - Mon, Mar 20 - 21 days
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JOKES:
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There were two old men sitting on a park bench.


Tina, a blonde woman, walks by. One old man says to the other one, "Ever sleep with a blonde?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

Angie, a brunette, then walks by. The old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a brunette?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

Amy, a redhead, walks by, and the old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a redhead?"

The other old man smiles and says, "Nope, not a wink."
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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Why do they have the back pain medicine on the bottom shelf at the pharmacy?
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Being older with grown children, I often tell younger parents to enjoy them now. It's a short time between crappy diapers to a crappy attitude.
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For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I can't get out until you do."
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I'm nostalgic. I miss childhood. I miss first grade. I miss thinking girls are gross. Do you know how much money I could save if I still thought girls were gross?
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The world has seen many spectacular advances in communications with satellites and all, but the quickest is still the wink.
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I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it, can't eat it, can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera:
"Well, here it is. You can't have any.
Goodbye."
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Actual headlines.......

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty

Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found

After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth

Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

Deer Kill 17,328

New Vaccine may Contain Rabies

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free - Just send $6.00.
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“I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than ride with Ted Kennedy.”
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I'm the intelligent, independent-type woman. In other words, a girl who can't get a man.
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There are three roads to ruin: women, gambling and technology. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with technology.
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Women breast-feeding in public always defend themselves by saying, "It's a beautiful thing."
Yeah, so is sex, but I've never done it in the middle of Denny's. Although that at least would be a Grand Slam Breakfast.
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~ Quick Quotes ~


Save a cow - eat a vegetarian.

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."---Douglas Adams

"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people.
Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno

"Today is the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie. I can't help but think that, in a thousand years when they dig up this civilization, all they're going to find are Twinkies and free CDs from AOL." --Jimmy Kimmel
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Finishing second in the Olympics gets you silver. Finishing second in politics gets you oblivion.
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I love the way my cats stare at me. It's this long, penetrating, accusing glare like they've got some dirt on me, "I know you steal from work, I've seen the pens with the company name on them. Here are my demands: Fancy Feast only, no store brands, or I'm on the phone to management."
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I was in the bathroom and my son yelled through the door; "Dad, are you going to the bathroom?" I said, "Nope. I'm quilting the Charmin."
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Comcast Cable will offer "family channel"
packages to customers. Wholesome programs will allow parents to tell their children to either watch "what we watch, or go play on the internet."
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If a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear it, then who will notify the next of kindling?
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Dunkin' Donuts has been sold to an investment firm for 2 billion dollars. The new owners will put up more marketing capital in order to fight the chain's chief rival. Healthy eating habits.
(Ray)
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Letterman's Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses

10. Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm

9. Wanted to get the Iraq mess of the front page

8. Not enough Jim Beam

7. Trying to stop the spread of bird flu

6. I love to shoot people

5. Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter

4. I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me

3. Excuse? I hit him didn't I?

2. Until Democrats approve Medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly

1. Made bet with Gretzgy's wife
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

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