TODAY'S JOKES 2-27-03
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REMINDERS:

St. Patrick's Day Mon, Mar 17 - 18 days

Spring Equinox Fri, Mar 21 - 22 days
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JOKES:
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed that little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The little seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor Jamison, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son," the paster replied, "It's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
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Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9 . There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one jurassic geezer.)
8 . I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
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The male perspective on the same issue ...
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
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In 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading:
"George and the Dragon."
He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?"
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least use your privy?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper,"
she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
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Three women escaped from prison....one was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde.
They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn, so they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three gunnysacks and decided to put them over their heads for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn.
The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw.
The deputy told him just three gunnysacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them.....so the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it...... and she went "Bow-wow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one. Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she went "Meow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one.
Then he kicked the one with the blond in it and there was no sound at all, so he kicked it again and the blonde said "Potatoes."
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I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage.
The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
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Idiots and Computers:

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.
Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
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A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher:
Are you a gambling man?
The butcher says "Yes", so the man said:
"I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there"
The butcher says "I'm not betting on that","but I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts.
"Yes I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high".
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Idiots In Food Services:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
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A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check,"
and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright.
How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."
After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.
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Why did the woman cross the road ?
The answer isn't important here. What is important is why wasn't she at home in the kitchen ?
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Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
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The World's Top 7 losers, as found by the New York Times:
1.Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a
50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sunk like a stone and drowned.
2. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
3. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
4. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record.
By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
5. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he has merely been listening to his> walkman.
6. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And the last & best.......
7. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender"
stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer

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